


Sincerely, Yours

by Beccathebestest



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gay, Gay ships, M/M, My little babes, Not my original idea, best story i've written so far, but more about that later, dear evan hansen - Freeform, love is love is love is love is love, sincerely you, sorta angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-02-04 20:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 30,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12778533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beccathebestest/pseuds/Beccathebestest
Summary: Evan Hansen is NOT about to let Connor Murphy storm off with his letter. When he explains his situation, the boys' connection strengthens quickly. But can a jealous friend ruin it all?Originally started by @JayTunezGirl on Wattpad, who gave me permission to finish the book for her after she stopped at chapter 5.





	1. Sincerely, Yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey  
> So this was started by @JayTunezGirl on Wattpad. The first 5 chapters are hers, and then I'll take over. I'm already about 15 chapters into this story on Wattpad, so I'll probably post them all today.

Connor began to storm out of the room with the letter half crumbled in his hand.

Evan let out a small squeak of protest and mustered up the courage to go after him. "Connor wait!" He made the mistake of grabbing Connor's shoulder, regretting it instantly.

Connor tensed up, grabbing the hand that held his shoulder. "I could flip you over onto your back in three seconds flat. What the hell do you want."

"I-I didn't write the letter so y-you'd freak out."

"Oh? Yeah because it's just a coincidence then, huh?" Connor began to dig his nails into Evan's hands.

Evan let out a whimper of pain. "I-its quite the opposite actually!" He said quickly. He felt his stomach twist with dread as he realized what he'd have to do, "I-it was an assignment..."

Connor scoffed. "By who? The stalker voice in your head?" His nails started to dig deeper into his flesh.

"N-no! B-by my...therapist..." he muttered.

Connor's grip loosened just slightly, "Therapist...why the hell do you need a therapist?"

"I-I have social anxiety disorders and it causes me to have l-like nervous sweat and b-breakdowns and so I'm supposed to w-write letters to myself a-about what's good or okay about today S-so that I don't-" Evan stopped.

"So that you don't what...?"

"So I don't uh...break my arm again." Evan looked at Connor with a hidden meaning in his tone.

Connor immediately understood and completely let go of Evan's hand.

Evan grabbed his hand back and started pressing his lips to the minor wounds in hopes to make it feel better.

"...Why were you writing about my sister though...?" Connor's hand twitched.

Evan placed his own hand down, "I- I uh..." his face turned pink, "I thought I had a crush on her..."

Connor frowned in confusion, "Thought?"

Evan began, his voice very quick with nervous energy, "Y-yeah I mean- she's a great person and all and honestly I do really like her b-but then ya' know it's not like she'll ever like me and I don't know why I'm telling this to you-you're her brother and you'll probably tell her- but then there's also someone- er other people in the world I could like so uh...yeah..."

Connor shook his head, trying to process everything Evan had said in the last few seconds, "Er...I won't...tell...her...I guess..." Connor shifted his feet awkwardly, "...Why do you have social anxieties...?"

Evan fiddled with the hem of his blue-striped polo, "W-well it's not really like I have a choice...and it doesn't help that I don't have any friends."

"What about that bastard Jared?"

Evan flinched at how Connor identified Jared, "W-well...he doesn't like me calling him his friend..."

"Bastard," Connor muttered.

Evan let out a small chuckle, which made Connor smile. He felt a brush of blush on his face and smiled back.

Connor blinked in surprise, "I've never met someone like you before, Evan."

"...Is that good?"

Connor nodded, "It's excellent."

Evan grinned happily, "Yay."

Connor snickered at the small response that Evan gave, "Nobody's ever deliberately wanted to hang out with me before...unless you're staying here out of fear?" Connor frowned, suddenly figuring that this was the case.

Evan shook his head quickly, "N-not at all! I want to stay here with you..." he glanced at his feet.

"Well, how about instead of here we can hang out somewhere less awkward than school?" Connor suggested, instantly wishing he'd taken back the proposition for fear of rejection.

Evan nodded, "O-of course- I mean- yeah." He smiled as casually as he could, hoping his blush wasn't visible.

"Alright, follow me, I'll give you a ride."


	2. But Because We're Gay

Evan quietly followed Connor out into the school parking lot. It felt awkward to have a friend...were they friends? Was he allowed to call Connor his friend...? He wanted to...he just didn't know if he had the right to, "S-so where are we going?" Evan stopped at the edge of an old, semi-beat up, red pickup truck.

Connor opened the passenger's door quickly and headed for the other side of the car to get into the Driver's seat, "Its just some old place me and my parents used to go to... it's okay..." he shrugged.

Evan stepped inside the car, noting that the door had been opened for him, he sat down in the worn down leather seat, running his hand along the edge of it before closing his car door. Almost immediately after he did this the car reared back into motion. Evan let out a small squeak and gripped the seatbelt strap, dragging it over himself as quickly as possible and Connor went zooming out of the parking lot. They sped down the hill. Evan started hyperventilating, instinctively reaching to his left for an armrest to grab onto. However, the armrests of these chairs were up and he ended up grabbing Connor's shoulder. He suddenly felt his face heat up, but he was unable to let go of Connor's shoulder out of fear.

Connor felt his own face start to burn as Evan did so, though he just chuckled and continued to speed forward towards the Orchard.

"P-please slow down-" Evan panted.

"Oh come on you're fi-" He glanced at Evan and saw his face was bright red. He figured it was due to the speed of the vehicle and carefully slowed down.

Evan was actually more so focused on his contact with Connor's shoulder, the speedy car didn't ease his heart rate. He didn't completely understand why he felt this way...he'd never...felt his heart race like this before, not completely nervous but also a mixture of excitement and...longing? His thoughts of this didn't help the blush on his face either.

Connor wanted to point out that Evan was still gripping his shoulder even though the car went at a normal speed now but he felt his mouth clamp shut, putting up with the pain that the small boy's nails brought...it also felt, good? He felt a shiver up his spine with this.

The boys sat in silence.

Evan was suddenly realized what he was doing and immediately unhinged his nails from Connor's shoulder, "I-I'm so, so sorry Con-n-ee-" His voice squeaked at the end in guilt.

Connor was still for a moment, his foot feeling numb on the gas pedal, "...Did you just call me Conney...?" He nearly whispered in surprise.

Evan's face suddenly burned like a heater, "S-sorry- I uh-" he stuttered.

Connor smirked, "Nah, its fine...I like it." Had he really just said that...he actually liked something, and had admitted to it?

Evan's breaths came as small little gasps for the rest of the way.

Connor stopped at a small building at the side of the highway, "Let's get ice-cream." He suggested, pulling through the drive-through of 'Ala Mode'

"O-Okay." Evan was happy to change the subject.

Connor rolled down his window.

"How may I take your order?" A male voice spoke out of the voice box.

"Er, just a minute." Connor responded, turning to Evan, "What do you want?"

Evan froze at the sudden question, trying to quickly respond, "I uh- I'll get uh-"

"Two chocolate swirls please," Connor answered for Evan.

Evan shrunk down in embarrassment from his fumble.

Connor pulled forward, accepting he ice-cream that the man gave them, paying, and then speeding off.

Evan held his own ice-cream, looking down at it with a slight frown, he hated chocolate. Though when Connor looked over he took a lick with a small, faking him liking it but not faking the smile. This boy made him seriously happy to be there.

Connor licked his ice-cream as they drove, "So, that guy back there that served the ice-cream was pretty hot, huh?" Connor grinned casually.

Evan felt a knife twist in his chest... 'Am I jealous...of what? It's not like...Connor belongs to me...' Evan just nodded, trying to think of what to say, "H-he had...attractive... hair..." He blurted.

Connor chuckled, "Well that was out of nowhere, it was barely visible under his uniform hat."

Evan did a tiny nod. He wasn't thinking about the worker. He was thinking about Connor's hair, it looked so beautiful and handsome...and cute and...perfect.

'Oh shit, I'm gay.' Evan thought to himself.


	3. Itchy Back

Normally when people like someone else they feel their stomach or chest tingle with nervousness. Evan was weird this way as his upper back started to tingle, rather than the normal examples. It was like his heart was backwards and sent the butterfly's to his back weather than his stomach. Or maybe it was just one of his ticks. Either way, his back started tingling, causing him to scratch it nervously, hoping Connor didn't notice.

He did.

Connor glanced over, "...Whatch'ya doing there Evan?"

"I-uh- just got an I-itch I can't reach." He made up the excuse, his back still feeling prickly from nerves.

Connor reached over and started rubbing Evan's back, "It's cool dude I got it."

This didn't help whatsoever. Evan felt goosebumps form all over him and his face grow red. However, there was something comforting in Connor's touch, so much so that he didn't notice Connor's burning red face.

"B-better?" Connor suddenly realized he stuttered and shut his mouth.

Evan did a small nod.

Connor glanced away from the road for a second to look at Evan...was he...blushing? This only increased the build-up of heat in Connor's face and he turned back to the road, nearly missing their turn, "Hold on tight, this'll be a sharp turn!" Connor began to turn and felt Evan grab hold of his wrist, causing his hands to shake and his turn to jerk the car around. It came to a steady pace as they made their way down a narrow, one-way, gravel road. Connor was silent for a moment before speaking up, "...I meant to hold onto your seat..." he looked down at Evan's hand, regretting making the comment as it slithered away.

"Eep!" Evan squeaked, "S-sorry!" He buried his face in his hands.

"Don't sweat it- itwascute." Connor muttered under his breath.

Evan heard. And another squeak escaped his lips. Connor...Connor Murphy...was being nice to him...the rumors he'd heard about Connor were all false. When he looked at this boy, he wasn't a school shooter. 'Heart shooter maybe.' Evan blushed at his own thoughts. However, maybe it was because they were so alike...neither had friends, both were looked at like weirdos, and other than themselves, they were alone.

Connor broke into Evan's thoughts, "We're here," Connor smiled and hopped out of the car. Even fiddled with the car door, his cast getting the way, until he finally opened it, unexpectedly, causing him to fall forward. He winced, expecting to hit the ground but falling into something plush instead, he opened his eyes to see that Connor had accidentally caught him.

Connor felt suddenly flustered, "Uh...I was coming to open your door and you fell...good timing?"

Evan looked away, "Mhm." He squeaked. This guy had his heart wrapped around his fingers- or in this case, wrapped in his arms.


	4. Heights

"You can stand now...can't you?" Connor couldn't deal with the heat that was spreading throughout him, especially considering he had his dark grey, nearly black, jacket.

Evan started falling limp front embarrassment, trying to regain his strength as he realized he was falling into Connor.

Connor put Evan's good arm around his shoulder, then put his own arm around Evan's shoulders, "There. Now you're steady." He said casually.

Evan again, accidentally leaned into Connor again...though this time he supposed it was less by accident. He felt as if his heart would break loose from his chest at how fast it beat.

Connor lead him to a tall oak tree and laid him down under it, "...Anxiety attack or what..." Connor laid down next to him, looking up at the patches of sky that peaked through the leaves.

Honestly, it felt like an anxiety attack, he knew he'd be inaudible if that was so, he shook his head, "It just hot I guess."

"Hah! Ya' got that right!" Connor said a bit too loud.

Evan put his arms under his own head, careful not to crush the broken arm any more than it already was.

"So...I hear you like trees?" Connor began.

"Y-yeah!" Evan responded enthusiastically.

"Can you tell me about this one?"

Evan looked at Connor with pure happiness sparkling in his eyes, someone actually wanted to listen to him! He began, "This is a standard oak. It produces acorns that..." Evan began rambling.

Connor felt his mouth curve into a smile as he watched Evan wave his arms around excitedly. He could barely hear what Evan was saying, he was more focused on his eyes, the blue seemed to darken as he focused and his pupils would widen when he saw that Connor was still looking and nodding at him. Every now and then Connor would glance up at the sky and back to Evan's eyes and compare the hues. Connor turned over onto his back, shifting his hand to the center between them.

Evan continued to talk.

Connor smiled happily.

Happily...He was sure Evan was the only person in the entire universe that could make him feel like this.

"And then it was funny because then he said 'That's not a spruce!' And I told him and I was like 'Sir, I'm a certified Apprentice Ranger, I should know.' And he just looked totally embarrassed!" Evan giggled, he noticed Connor wasn't completely noticing him so he decided to try something evil, "Yeah the guy was pretty darn cute." He said casually.

Connor immediately snapped his attention to Evan, "O-oh...in an attractive way?"

Evan felt his face grow red as his experiment worked, "Y-yeah."

Connor felt himself start fidgeting with jealousy, "He must've been pretty ignorant though." Connor scoffed.

Evan shrugged, "I don't know. He was p-pretty neat cause' he could climb trees real' well, l-like all the way to the top."

Connor sat up, "Pft- I could do that too!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

Evan felt himself tremble with excitement, he had complete control over Connor in this instance, "Prove it."

Connor leaped to his feet, looking up at the ancient oak, "Alright!" He leaped up, grabbing the first branch, then the next, not really paying attention to where he was going, just focused on the idea that Evan would be impressed with him. He finally started running out of sturdy branches and looked down at Evan, "See! I told you I could-" Connor's mind got hit by reality as he realized where he was. Why had he done this? He was afraid of heights-! Why why why... he turned around quickly and clung tree. Now Evan would see him panic and everything would be ruined...he felt his breath pick up. In any other circumstance he'd have just let himself fall, but looking down to see Evan kept him holding on. He swallowed, admitting his defeat, "E-Evan..." he began.

"Yeah?" Evan called up.

"Would I survive a fall from this height?" He saw Evan glance at his cast quickly with wide eyes.

"Y-yeah..." Evan whispered to himself, turning up to Connor, "Definitely not! Don't show off anymore, this is already impressive enough-" he was cut off.

"I'm stuck..." Connor banged his head against the tree.

Evan looked up with a small snicker, "A-alright, I'm coming." He started up the tree towards Connor.

Connor felt uncomfortable with Evan underneath him, coming to his rescue, but also wished he could grab onto Evan and let him carry him down, but he didn't want to ruin his 'tough guy' image...though maybe he already had...

Evan was soon beside Connor, "Alright, I'll show you where to put your hands, alright?"

'In yours...' Connor thought to himself, "Alright."

"Or- actually, hold on," Evan held onto a branch and sat on another to equally balance himself, quickly shuffling through his bag, "Yes!" He smiled, pulling out a long clip cord. He quickly put he backpack back on and started clipping the rope to a sturdy branch, "Stay still." Evan began wrapping the cord around Connor's waist, "Good thing I went redwood climbing last weekend, otherwise I might have had to carry you down." Evan laughed.

Connor frowned, half wishing that would have been an option. Evan grabbed Connor's hand, holding onto the rope with his other, put your hand here," he lowered the hand to a near branch, "Now let go."

"Wh-what!?" Connor's voice cracked.

Evan grabbed his hand, "Its okay." He soothed, letting go of his hand.

Connor let out a small scream as he fell until his arm banked at the branch.

"Great now-" Evan heard a snapping noise and the branch he was holding to snapping, he let out a gasp and he tried to grab another branch with his other hand, but he couldn't grip anything with his cast.

Connor looked up to see Evan falling towards him, Connor instinctively reached his hands up, suddenly letting go of the branch. He too started to fall, he let out another scream and then felt a yanking around his waist as the rope stopped him before he hit the ground, a second later Evan was coming down with screaming pain as his hands got rope burn from holding onto the rope and still going down. Connor held out his arms in front of him, "I'll catch you!"

Evan immediately let go, trusting Connor, he closed his eyes and suddenly felt soft-landing underneath him as Connor grabbed him, swinging around a little bit with the weight.

Connor held Evan close to his chest as Evan held him back, trembling, clinging to him with his arms and legs in terror. Connor reached down to his own waist and unbuckled himself, he thought he'd land on his feet but misjudged the amount of wait Evan displaced, causing Connor fall back and Evan fall on Connor.

Connor looked up wide-eyed at Evan who looked at Connor with the same expression. Connor started to sit up, but Evan didn't move, letting Connor seal the distance between their lips, kissing him back.


	5. Quiet and Queer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter written by @JayTunezGirl, and then I take over

[TW, homophobic beliefs?]

Evan had a sudden realization as to what was going on and pushed away from Connor, immediately stumbling off of him and backing up.

Connor lay there on his back, face flushed and burning with a small smile curving at the corner of his lips, "Whoah." He chuckled, sitting up.

"Whoah yourself!" Evan was ripping the grass beside him, "Y-you just kissed me!" Evan couldn't deny, nor hide, that his face was also burning bright red.

"Yeah, so? And you kissed back~" Connor leaned against the oak tree behind them.

"It-it- it's wrong!" Evan stammered.

Connor flinched, "How so?"

"I-I just met you! I mean...I've seen you around but- that's beside the point! I just actually met you today a-and-"

"And?"

"And we're both boys!" Evan dug his nails into the soil underneath him.

"You seemed to like it pretty much." Connor grinned.

"Says who!" Evan's voice shook.

"Says the fact that you kissed back- like I said." Connor shrugged.

"N-no! You just....You..." Evan squeaked and buried his face in his hands.

"There's nothing wrong with it Ev," Connor sat forward, "Love is Love~"

"B-but..." Evan sighed.

"You're not worried about what I think, are you?"

Evan shook his head, no.

Connor frowned, "What then?"

"D-Don't you get bullied?" Evan looked up from his hands to see Connor's warm gaze on him, he instantly became a flustered mess.

"I'm a six-foot hot topic. You're the first person who's actually socialized with me in years, Hansen." Connor's expression didn't change.

Evan looked surprised, "Wh-what about your family?"

"Oh, you mean my mom who's too busy to be a mom, homophobic dad, or sister who pretends I don't exist?" Connor frowned.

"O-oh...I'm sorry..." "Don't swear it."

Evan frowned and stood up, "P-please don't tell anyone about...me...being..."

"Gay? Yeah, sure."

Evan flinched, "M-hm...can we...go now?"

Connor stood up, "Yeah. Sure." Making his way forward and past Evan.

Evan's breath hitched as Connor's shoulder bumped against his passive aggressively. Evan put his thumbs in his pockets awkwardly as he watched Connor sander towards the vehicle.

Connor blankly opened the driver's door and hopped in, slamming it behind him.

Evan let out a little whimper as he opened the passenger's door, wishing Connor would open it for him again.

The car ride was the pure definition of awkward. Connor drove the car obviously over the speed limit. Most likely on purpose.

Evan clung to his seat, his eyes squeezed tight until they finally made it back to their hometown, where Connor finally started to slow down.

"So, where do you live?" Connor sighed.

"O-Oh it's fine, I-I can walk from here..." Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt.

"No...I'll drive you."

Evan nodded, directions Connor until they made it down his street.

Evan let out a sigh of relief.

Connor stopped at Evan's house without a word.

Evan began opening his door before turning to Connor, "Connor...um...."

"Spit it out."

Evan forced himself to look up into Connor's eyes, feeling his heart twist at the reflected pain, "...I'm sorry...I really am..."

Connor shrugged, "Just do me a favor and forget about everything, alright? Forget about me, the orchard-"

"No!" Evan raised his voice.

Connor looked at him in slight shock.

Evan grabbed Connor's arm and the sharpie that had been in his pocket from, frantically writing something down, then releasing his arm, "...All I said was we just stay quiet."

Connor's face flushed up, looking down at the number written down on his arm, "Quiet...and Queer?"

Evan smiled, "Q-quiet and queer..."


	6. Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's where I take over

[And now here's where I take over. I hope I don't disappoint.]

As Connor drove home he felt...lighter. Like someone took a weight off his shoulders. He had someone who didn't think he was a school shooter or a druggie. He had someone who wanted to be with him, talk to him...kiss him.

A light blush crossed Connor's cheeks as he thought of that. It remained there for the rest of the car ride. He took a second, once he was standing outside his door, to collect himself. It took longer than he'd like to admit to keep the blush down.

He slammed the door of his house, as he always did, only to be confronted by an infuriated Zoe.

"Where the fuck were you? You were supposed to pick me up! I had to take the bus!"

"Good, maybe that'll remind you of the 'struggles' of 'normal people', you high-class bitch."

"Fuck you!"

Connor stormed passed Zoe, trying to get upstairs as quickly as possible.

"What's on your arm?"

"My new dealer's number," Connor said sarcastically, as he made it his way up the steps and to his room, locking the door behind him.

He flung his backpack onto his bed, flopping down beside it. He took out his planner and checked what he had for homework.

Contrary to popular belief, Connor actually liked learning. He just didn't like school. When he was little he would constantly beg his mom to be homeschooled. Obviously, that didn't work, and here he was, senior year, still going to his shitty high school.

Normally Connor would have finished his homework quickly, but this time, he spent hours on it, checking and double-checking the small amount of work the teachers gave on the first day of school. He knew what he was doing. He was procrastinating; he knew he should message Evan, he was just scared. Scared that Evan had changed his mind, and didn't want to be Connor's friend anymore. Scared that they would get to know each other and Evan would end up wishing he  _had_ forgotten Connor. Scared that someone would find out about what happened in the orchard and would ruin any chance he had with Evan. Scared that no one would ever like him. Scared that he'd be alone forever. Scared that he'd die alone. Scared that he'd die before senior year was even over. Scared that-

Connor came back to his senses. He was gripping his pencil so tightly his knuckles were white, as pale as his face, and he was slightly trembling. 

He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. 

15 breaths later, his face had returned to his normal color, along with his knuckles, and his body was relaxed. 

He then finished his homework in 7 minutes. 

Once Connor had put away his schoolwork, he stared at his black phone screen for 10 minutes, as if he was expecting something to show up. 

He unlocked his phone, added Evan's number to his contacts, went to his messaging app, and sent a text before he could stop himself.

He proceeded to beat his head with a pillow. 

 

 

***

 

 

Evan closed the door behind him, panting heavily, as though he had just run a marathon.

He felt his face heat up as he thought about what had just happened.

He and Connor had kissed.

They were...secretly dating? Maybe. But Connor didn't hate him after what happened. That was a start.

_Quiet and queer..._ he thought to himself, smiling brightly.

He felt giddy. He had someone other than Jared! Someone who understood him, someone who liked him, someone who had wanted to kiss him.

Evan hadn't felt this happy in a long time.

He went up to his room to do his homework.

As an hour went by, and he tried not to think about the fact that Connor had yet to text him.

Another hour went by.

He checked to see if his phone was silenced. It was. 

He also found 13 messages and 4 missed calls from Jared.

 

_Acorn where the fuck ru_

_I didn't see u come out of school_

_u need to come over_

_meet me @ my house_

_wher are you_

_you arent at your house_

_EVNA_

_EVAN_

_GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE_

_MY CAR INSURANCE IS AT STAKE_

_you owe me for this_

_u have to come for dinner tm_

_ru fucking a tree or something_

 

Evan was typing a response when his phone rang. It was Jared.

"H-Hello?"

"EVAN WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!"

"O-oh- I was u-um...why d-does it matter a-anyway?"

"BECAUSE MY MOM THINKS WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!!! I had to lie and say you had plans with friends!"

"O-oh um I-I'm sorry."

Evan heard Jared scoff. "You should be. Come over for dinner tomorrow, and don't bail again."

"O-oka-" Evan was cut off by the beep that signaled the call was ended. He sighed.

2 more hours passed.

Evan started to get nervous. What if Connor had decided he didn't like Evan after all? What if his number had gotten rubbed off his arm somehow? What if he had written his number wrong? What if Connor couldn't read his handwriting and put the numbers in wrong? What if Connor had gotten hurt? What if-

His thoughts were interrupted by a buzz from his phone.

**From: Unknown**

_hey evan, its connor_

Evan wanted to jump for joy. He grabbed his phone and typed a response, his hands shaking.

**From: Evan**

_Hey, Connor!_

 

 

 


	7. Getting to Know You

**From: Unknown**

_hey evan, its connor_

**From: Evan**

_Hey, Connor!_

 

Connor smiled. The boy's enthusiasm was adorable.

He was about to type another message, but then he stopped, his fingers hovering over the keyboard. 

He hadn't had a conversation that didn't involve screaming, cursing, and insults in years. He didn't know how to talk to people.

So, he went with his first instinct.

 

**From: Connor**

_idk how to start a conversation_

**From: Evan**

_Lol..me neither._

 

Connor breathed a sigh of relief. He tried to remind himself that the Connor Evan had met was the real Connor, and that he could just be himself.

Ha.

Connor didn't even really know who he was.

 

**From: Connor**

_well i mean we don't really know that much about each other so i guess we can tell each other stuff about ourselves?_

 

Connor groaned. Seriously? Couldn't he think of anything better?

 

**From: Evan**

_Okay! What do you want to know?_

**From: Connor**

_idk man...i guess favorite color?_

**From: Evan**

_Blue. What about you?_

 

Connor remembered the blue polo that Evan had worn. The color looked nice on him.

 

**From: Connor**

_black._

**From: Evan**

_I kind of guessed... based on your wardrobe, ya' know?_

**From: Connor**

_oh yeah, lol. ok now you ask a question_

 

 

_***_

 

 

Evan was sweating. He really didn't want to mess this up.

 

**From: Evan**

_Okay, um, what's your favorite book series?_

**From: Connor**

_hunger. games. for. ever._

_what about you_

 

Evan chuckled. He wouldn't have expected that from Connor.

 

**From: Evan**

_Harry Potter. I've taken the quiz and everything. I'm a Hufflepuff!_

**From: Connor**

_that's a good series. i took the quiz, i got hufflepuff too_

**From: Evan**

_Cool! Okay, your turn to ask a question._

 

Connor didn't respond for at least 10 minutes, and just as Evan started to worry, he felt the familiar buzz.

 

**From: Connor**

_what are we?_

 

This took Evan by surprise. He didn't know what they were. He didn't know what he wanted them to be.

 

**From: Evan**

_Um...I don't reall_ _y know. Do you?_

**From: Connor**

_not really. i mean, i checked merriam-webster but there's not a definition for "quiet and queer." what do you think?_

 

Evan chuckled.

 

**From: Evan**

_Well...All I know is that I feel something towards you....I just don't know what it is-but I think I want to be more than friends. I think we should get to know each other better and...go from there?  But I also don't want to be bullied so can we keep it on the DL?_

 

Evan hit send and groaned. What did he just do? That was possibly the vaguest answer he's ever given. And "keep it on the DL?' Really?

 

**From: Connor**

_yeah, that's about where i'm at too. i think we should probably get to know each other more._

_yeah we can keep quiet. i'm not too fond of bullies myself._

 

Evan let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

 

**From: Evan**

_Great!_

**From: Connor**

_but i know one important thing about you_

**From: Evan**

_What?_

**From: Connor**

_you're an amazing kisser ;)_

**From: Evan**

_Connor stop I'm blushing_

**From: Connor**

_good ;)_

 

Evan turned an even deeper shade of red. 

 

**From: Evan**

_I have to go._

_...See you tomorrow?_

**From: Connor**

_you can count on it_

_bye!_

**From: Evan**

_Bye!_

 

Evan turned off his phone with a smile. He felt...incredible. Like he hadn't felt in years. 

All because of a boy he just met today.

This was definitely one of the more exciting days of Evan Hansen's life.

He decided to get his computer while he was in such a good mood.

He got it and opened up to a file labeled "Sincerely, You."

It was a file Evan's therapist didn't know existed. Every night, Evan would respond to his letter from the morning. He found that it actually helped him, because if he wanted to be negative, he could be, unlike in his therapist's letters.

He opened a new document and began to write.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Surprisingly, today was a good day. I know your letter from earlier said it wasn't, but things change.

I have a friend now- or maybe more than that. Whatever he ends up being it's nice to just have someone to talk to that isn't Dr. Sherman or my mom.

Connor makes me feel...good. I know it's only been one day, but when I was around him, I felt all fuzzy inside-well, really my back felt fuzzy. I think if we get to know each other better he could-maybe one day- be my boyfriend?? God, it's weird to type that word. 

He just gets me. He understood me when I talked about when I 'fell,' and he agrees we should get to know each other better.

I don't really know how to describe it, I'm too happy right now to think straight. Maybe I'll do better in tomorrow's letter.

Connor just makes me feel that- maybe- I shouldn't disappear.

Sincerely, 

You

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Excited

Evan woke up, and for the first time in a long time, he was actually excited to go to school.

He got dressed, attempting to smooth out every wrinkle in his plain blue polo, before finally taking it off and ironing it.

He wanted to look his best for Connor.

He went downstairs and ate breakfast, and was ready to go when he checked the clock.

He was thirty minutes early.

In all his excitement he had gotten ready faster than he ever had before.

He sat in his living room, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

Evan figured he might as well write his letter while he had time.

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: you have something- someone- to look forward to.

Maybe you won't sit alone at lunch. Maybe you'll have someone that will look out for you in class. Maybe you two will be able to keep quiet.

Maybe everything will turn out okay.

Sincerely,  
Me

 

 

  
***

 

 

  
Connor woke up with a sense of purpose. He had someone to live for. He didn't plan on telling Evan, but if it hadn't been for that letter, he wouldn't have been alive that morning. But now he had a reason to not die. For Evan. He had just met him, but the small, anxious boy gave Connor something to look forward to.

It felt...nice.

He got ready faster than usual and was already opening his bedroom door when Zoe stood outside it, preparing to knock.

Zoe looked shocked momentarily before her expression settled into a smirk. "Wow, the infamous Connor Murphy is actually ready for school? Gonna meet your dealer or something?"

Connor scoffed and shoves past Zoe, bounding down the steps.

As he sprinted to the door, he brushed past his mother.

"Connor, honey, aren't you going to eat breakfast?"

"Nope," Connor said with finality as he slammed the door behind him.

He headed down the driveway and got into the car he and his sister shared.

He didn't even think about the fact that she was still inside as he sped off towards school, only the thought of Evan keeping him from turning right back around.

 


	9. He Found Out

Evan entered the school, and immediately his hands flew to the hem of his shirt, fiddling with it.

Everything about school filled him with anxiety.

He slowly walked down the hallway, so he wouldn't trip, but not too slowly, so no one made fun of him for walking slow.

When he finally got to his locker he opened it and was finally able to relax.

He had decorated the inside of his locker with pictures of his favorite five trees: cherry, hawthorn, holly, olive, and myrtle. It calmed him down instantly, and it was the only reason Evan could bring himself to come to school.

Well that and the fact that if he didn't he wouldn't go to college and get a good job and he would end up homeless and his mom would be disappointed and would disown him and he would have no friends and he would die on the streets alone and no one would come to his funeral and-

The door to his locker slammed shut.

"Yo, acorn, don't forget about tonight," Jared said.

"I-uh-I w-won't."

Jared scoffed. "Whatever. What the fuck were you doing yesterday? Did Zoe finally accept your follow request on Insta and you spent your evening jacking off?"

"J-Jared n-no...I was u-uh..."

"Uh, uh, uh- Spit it out Tree Boy, I don't have all day."

"U-uhm..."  
  
  
  
  
  


Connor watched from across the hallway as Evan grew increasingly more uncomfortable as his conversation with Jared continued.

He grit his teeth and was about to go over there and give Jared a piece of his mind, when he realized Jared didn't know about him and Evan, and that it would probably freak Evan out and that was the last thing Connor wanted.

After all, they were supposed to be "quiet and queer." Connor smiled at the phrase.

"'Ey, look, the freak's smiling! Think he murdered somebody?"

"Maybe I did! You're next, asshole!" Connor yelled in the general direction of the voice.

"What did you just say to me, freak?!" The owner of voice stepped out, who turned out to be Jason Ghats, the star pitcher of the baseball team.

"You heard me. You ask a dumb question, you get a dumb answer." Connor crossed his arms and smirked.

"Aw, look, the stoner's got guts." Jason chuckled, shoving Connor back.

"Fuck off man!" Connor shoved him back.  
  
  
  
  
  


At this point, a small crowd had gathered, and Evan was starting to worry. What if Connor got hurt? What if he got suspended or expelled? What if his parents grounded him and he couldn't see Evan anymore? What if Evan was alone again? What if-

"Alright boys, break it up!" The gym teacher, Mr. Lewis stepped in.

Jason gave Connor one final glare before sauntering off.

Connor stood there, fists clenched until he stormed off in the opposite direction.

Evan breathed a sigh of relief. He made a mental note to text Connor later.

"Yo Acorn, you alright? You're turning red."

"Oh- uh yeah, tense s-situations just str-stress me out-t."

"Oh yeah. Forgot you're a freak too!" Jared gave Evan a hard pat on the back before heading off to his class.

Evan sighed and head to his own class.  
  
  


***  
  
  


Evan was in his class before lunch when he felt his phone buzz.  
  
  


**From: Connor**

_do you want to meet up at that little sandwich shop for lunch since we finally can go off-campus?_

**From: Evan**

_Sure! See you then!_   
  
  


***  
  
  


Evan walked into the shop, grateful to see that it was empty except for a guy on his laptop, an old couple, and a few lost-looking freshmen.

Connor was already there, fortunately, in a booth in the back corner of the shop.

"H-Hi," Evan said meekly, sliding into the opposite side of the booth.

Connor gave him a small smile. "Hey."

"D-did, uhm, did y-you order al-already?"

"No, I figured I'd wait until you got here and I could go up and order for you."

"Y-you'd do that f-for me?"

"'Course. What do you want?"

"Uhm, j-just a sandwich with swiss cheese and pastrami."

"Got it."

Connor returned to the table a few minutes later, setting down a sandwich and a lemonade in front of Evan before sitting down with his own sandwich and drink.

Evan looked at the lemonade. "I-I didn't a-ask for a dr-drink."

"Yeah but I figured you'd want one."

Evan looked down in shame. "I d-don't have enough money for th-the drink, j-just the s-sandwich."

"Oh, don't worry about it, all this is my treat."

Evan looked up in surprise. "Oh, um, y-you don't h-have to do th-that."

"It's fine. You'll just pay for our next date," Connor said with a wink.

"Th-this is a d-date? But I-I th-thought w-we-we weren't d-dating yet- notthatIdon'twanttoit'sjustIdidn'tknowifyouwantedtoandohgodI'msorryI'massumingthingsI'msorry-"

"Hansen, take a deep breath."

Evan inhaled deeply, and exhaled, looking at Connor shyly. "S-sorry."

"It's okay. And to answer your question, it was a joke- kinda. As of now, I'm okay with whatever you want us to be. This can be a date, an outing, a hangout- whatever."

"I-I don't r-really know."

"That's okay."

Evan smiled at Connor. He contemplated saying something, gathering up his courage.

"I r-really like y-you Connor. Th-thank you."

Connor's face lit up, and his face broke into the widest smile Evan had ever seen.

"The feeling's mutual, Hansen."  
  
  


***  
  
  


Evan jumped as a car's horn honked.

"Tree Boy! Get your ass in here!"

Evan walked to the passenger side of Jared's car, quickly getting in and shutting the door.

The ride to Jared's house was mostly silent, as it usually was. When they arrived at Jared's house, they got out the car, Evan trailing behind Jared.

Jared opened the door before Evan had even reached the porch, entering the house and slamming the door shut behind him.

Evan sighed. He was used to it at this point. He opened the door and followed Jared to his dining room, where Mrs. Kleinman was.

"Evan! So nice to see you!"

"H-hi," Evan said, giving a small wave.

"We were so worried that you and Jared had grown apart when we didn't hear from you all summer! And then you didn't come over yesterday for the annual first-day-of-school dinner!"

"Y-yeah, sorry, I-I had o-other plans."

"Oh no, don't worry about it sweetheart! I'm just glad to see you! How's life?"

"Okay, mom we're gonna go upstairs now bye!" Jared said, grabbing Evan by the wrist and dragging him upstairs.

As soon as the boys were upstairs, Jared dropped Evan's hand and they both went into Jared's unnecessarily messy room.

Jared flopped onto his bed and immediately started typing on his laptop, completely ignoring Evan.

Evan sighed, and sat next to Jared, as this was what happened every time he came over.

He took out his phone.  
  
  


**From: Evan**

_I forgot to ask you. Are you okay...you know, after what happened this morning?_

**From: Connor**

_yeah, i'm alright. i mean, i was pretty pissed, but lunch with you made it better ;)_

**From: Evan**

_Connor stop I'm blushing again_

**From: Connor**

_and again i say good ;_ )

**From: Evan**

_Ugh....I hate you_

**From: Connor**

_awww come on babe you don't mean that_

**From: Evan**

_Babe?_

**From: Connor**

_oh shit i wasn't thinking...sorry_

**From: Evan**

_It's okay, it just caught me off guard._

**From: Connor**

_ok. i'll reserve it for...later...babe_

_sorry couldn't help myself_

**From: Evan**

_Connor I'm blushing again again_

**From: Connor**

_and again again i say good ;)_   
  
  


Evan smiled and blushed even harder.

He didn't even notice when Jared looked over his shoulder.

"Dude, why are you texting the freak?" Jared snorted.

Evan yelped and almost dropped his phone. "I-uh-uh-w-we-um-"

Jared grabbed Evan's phone and started to scroll through his recent texts.

"N-no you can't r-read those!" Evan yelled, lunging for his phone, but Jared moved out of the way.

When Jared finished reading the texts, he put the phone in his lap.

"Dude. What. The. Fuck."

"I s-said not t-to read th-them!"

Jared was up and pacing around the room."Holy shit. Evan Hansen is in love with Connor Murphy!"

"I a-am not! W-we're just fr-friends!"

"Right, because friends flirt with each other and kiss."

"W-we're not d-dating!...y-yet."

"Ha! You admitted it!"

"J-Jared you can't t-tell anyb-body! P-Please!"

"Chill, Acorn, don't have a panic attack. I won't tell anyone about your secret romance with the freak."

Evan sighed, knowing it wasn't going to be better than this. "Th-thanks."

"Whatever."  
  
  


***  
  
  


**From: Evan**

_Please don't hate me..._

**From: Connor**

_why would i ever hate you?_

**From: Evan**

_Just...promise?_

**From: Connor**

_i promise. now what's going on?_

**From: Evan**

_...Jared grabbed my phone while I was texting you._

_He found out._

_Connor?_

_Connor it's been 10 minutes._

_Connor I'm really sorry please don't hate me._

**From: Connor**

_i don't hate you evan_

_i just needed to scream into my pillow for a sec_

_that asshole_

**From: Evan**

_What are we going to do?_

**From: Connor**

_depends on what he's gonna do_

**From: Evan**

_He said he would keep it a secret._

**From: Connor**

_then i say we just keep an eye on him_

**From: Evan**

_Okay. I'm really sorry Connor._

**From: Connor**

_it's not your fault. it'll be okay, i promise._

**From: Evan**

_Okay. I have to go._

**From: Connor**

_alright. bye_

**From: Evan**

_Bye._   
  
  
  
  
  


 


	10. Diana Ross (I'm Coming Out)

The week passed pretty uneventfully, with Connor and Evan meeting at the sandwich shop every day for lunch, and minimal teasing from Jared. 

However, Evan was still confused. His feelings for Connor seemed much too strong for a one-week sorta-kinda-relationship. 

He figured, unfortunately,  if one person would be able to help him figure them out, it would be Connor.

Of course, in order to have Connor come over, he would need his mom's permission.

So he stayed up late until his mom came home, anxiously waiting.

When his mom entered the house, she was surprised to see her son still awake.

"Hey Ev, what's up?" Heidi asked when her son stood up as soon as she entered.

"Uh-uhm, I-I, u-uhm..."

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. Come here," Heidi said soothingly as she dropped her purse on the table and led Evan to the couch.

"Take your time, Evan," Heidi said, holding her son's hand, running her thumb over his knuckles.

"Uh-uhm, C-can I h-have a friend o-over t-tomorrow?"

"Of course!" Heidi said enthusiastically. "What's their name?"

"Uhm, C-Connor, Connor Mur-Murphy."

"Of course he can come over honey. Why were you so nervous to ask me? You know that as long as you're safe, you can have anyone over."

Evan's hands began to sweat and he was starting to tremble. This was it. He was about to out himself to his mom, even though he didn't even know what he was. Oh god what if his mom was homophobic and hated him and disowned him and kicked him out and he had to live on the streets and-

"Evan, hey," Heidi said gently. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Evan nodded nervously.

He took a deep breath. "I-it's just uh-um, he m-might e-end up b-being more th-than a fr-friend?"

There was silence as Heidi processed the information. It was only a few seconds but to Evan, it felt like eons.

"Okay," Heidi finally said.

Evan turned to his mom in surprise. "R-really? Y-you're n-not mad o-or anyth-anything?"

Heidi pulled Evan into a hug. "Of course not honey. You can love whoever you want."

Evan smiled a genuine, large smile. "Th-thanks Mom."

"Of course Ev," Heidi said as she hugged Evan. "Do you know what you are or..."

"O-oh, um, I d-don't really kn-know?"

"That's okay," Heidi said reassuringly. "There's no rush. Heck, you might never figure out, and that's okay."

Evan smiled. He thought about Connor, and his homophobic dad, and was filled with a warmth and gratitude for his mom that he had never felt before. He pulled his mom into another hug, taking her by surprise.

"I l-love you Mom."

"I love you too Ev." Heidi pat her son's leg before standing up to head upstairs. "Now Connor definitely has to come over so I can meet him and make sure he won't break your heart."

"Mom oh my god!" Evan laughed, turning red and putting his face in his hands.

Heidi chuckled. "Love you Ev."

"Love you too Mom."

Heidi went upstairs, happy that her son had someone who, hopefully, understood him. 

Evan was equally as happy and took out his phone to text Connor.

 

**From: Evan**

_Hey, do you want to come over tomorrow? We haven't really been able to have a private talk since the orchard._

**From: Connor**

_sounds good._

***

Connor waited on the porch of the Hansen household, texting Evan because he figured ringing the doorbell would make him anxious.

 

**From: Connor**

_i'm here_

Connor could hear shuffling from behind the door, and two voices.

"Mom, p-please d-don't be w-weird o-or embarrassing."

"What makes you think I would do that?"

"J-just please d-don't. I r-really like h-him."

Connor blushed.

"Okay, okay."

The door unexpectedly opened and Connor fought to keep his blush down. 

Instead of Evan at the door, there was a middle-aged blond woman, with deep eye bags and Evan's features. 

"You must be Connor," she said nicely, sticking her hand out. "I'm Heidi, Evan's mom."

Connor took her hand and shook it. "Nice to meet you," he said as politely as he could. 

"Come on in." Heidi opened the door, and Connor stepped in. 

"Evan should be in here," Heidi said, leading him into the living room.

Evan was sitting on the couch, messing with the hem of his shirt, and stood up as soon as Connor entered the room. 

"Hey," Connor said.

"H-hey," Evan said nervously. "C-Can we um, c-can we t-talk?"

 

 


	11. Wait

"Uh, yeah," Connor said.

Evan nodded nervously and glanced at his mom. "M-mom, c-can we g-go upst-stairs?"

"Of course honey," Heidi said. 

Evan looked at Connor and slightly motioned for him to follow Evan.

***

"Nice room," Connor said as he walked around the tiny bedroom painted light blue.

"T-thanks," Evan said.

Connor walked around for a few more seconds, before finally sitting down on the bed next to Evan.

"So, uh, w-what did you want to talk about?" Connor asked, shifting nervously. He thought he knew what was coming. He thought Evan didn't want to be his friend anymore. That the past week had shown Evan that Connor wasn't who Evan thought he was. 

"Uh-uhm," Evan started. "I l-like you...a l-lot."

"Okay..."

"A-and I d-don't know why."

Connor was slightly offended. "What? Why?"

"W-w-well it's only b-been a w-week, and-"

"So?"

"S-so it d-doesn't make sense f-for a person to l-like som-someone this m-much in one w-week!"

"Why? I like you, you like me, why does the amount of time matter?"

"B-because it doesn't m-make s-sense!"

"Why Evan? Why?!" Connor was starting to get frustrated. 

"Because I'm scared!" Evan suddenly burst out.

Silence.

"Of me?"

"N-no!"

"Then what?"

Evan looked down, fiddling with the hem of his shirt, not daring to look at Connor.

"Evan?"

Evan took a deep breath. "I-it's just...the th-things I've felt this week a-are so n-new a-and sudden and I-I'm p-pretty sure that th-they're new f-for you t-too-notthatI'massumingthatyou'veneverbeeninarelationshiporthatyou'reundesirablegodI'msorry-"

"Evan, it's okay," Connor lightly touched Evan's arm. "You're right, I've never dated anyone."

Evan nodded. "U-um, w-what if you d-decide that y-you don't want to deal w-with me?"

Connor was surprised. "What?"

"B-because I keep w-wanting our f-friendship or r-relationship o-or whatever to be s-secret, even th-though we've b-been eating lunch t-together, and what if y-you decide th-that it's t-too much to k-keep it a se-a secret? I d-don't..." Evan hesitated.

"You don't what?"

"I d-don't want to l-lose you."

Connor's breath caught in his throat. Someone valued him, wanted to be around him, didn't want him to disappear.

"I wouldn't do that to you Evan."

Evan muttered something.

"What?"

"P-promise?" Evan said meekly, slightly blushing. 

Connor smiled slightly. "I promise."

Evan looked up at Connor and smiled. "C-can I hug y-you?"

Connor didn't hesitate in wrapping his arms around Evan's shoulders, while Evan wrapped his around Connor's waist. 

They stayed like that for a while, neither wanting to let go.

It was perfect.

When they finally let go, they just sat there in comfortable silence.

"I have a question," Connor said suddenly. 

"Yeah?"

"Remember when I...kissed you at the orchard?" Connor asked as both boys turned red.

"Y-yeah?"

"I know you wanted us to wait and get to know each other, but can I...can I kiss you again?"

Evan turned even redder, and he nodded. 

Connor moved slowly towards Evan, slightly awkward, not really sure how to initiate the kiss.

But as soon as their lips touched, everything felt right.

The kiss was slow, soft, and sweet. Connor rested his hand on Evan's hip, while Evan put his arms around Connor's neck.

They kissed until they ran out of air and pulled away. They looked into each other's eyes and leaned in again.

When their breath ran out once more, the boys rested their foreheads on each other, heavily breathing.

"C-Connor?"

"Yeah?" Connor said breathlessly.

"I don't th-think I w-want t-to wait anymore."

Connor chuckled softly. "I haven't been able to wait for a week."

"C-Connor?"

"Yeah Ev?"

"D-do you, uhm, do y-you want t-to be my bo- my b-boyfriend?"

"Of course."

Connor and Evan smiled, their lips meeting again.

 

 

 


	12. Dinner, Dinner Plans and Doodles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [okay so  
> 
> I've planned out this entire story chapter by chapter, and I'm super excited! 
> 
> The thing is, though, I've planned the story to end in March of the boys' senior year, so expect major time skips (like I'm gonna completely skip the entire month of November because why not).
> 
> Kay. Just wanted to let you know.
> 
> One more thing: This chapter starts the same day at dinner after the boys kiss)

 

Heidi glanced at the boys sitting across from her at the small dining table.

Being a mom, and having been a teenager, she noticed a few things the boys probably didn't think she saw:

     -How close they were sitting to each other. Evan was right handed and Connor was left-handed, so it was obvious they were holding hands. 

     -Evan's face, which, to anyone else would seem normal. But Heidi, being his mother, could see the light shade of pink that dusted it, especially his cheeks.

     -Evan's smile. He'd never been one to smile for no reason, but today, he hadn't stopped smiling since he came down the stairs from his and Connor's talk.

     -The not-so-secretive glances the boys gave each other when they thought Heidi wasn't looking.

And pairing that with her knowledge that Evan liked Connor? Yes, Heidi knew exactly what was going on.

"So Connor," she said, "you go to school with Evan?"

"Yes Ms. Hansen," he replied rather stiffly.

"Please hun, call me Heidi." Connor nodded. "So, do you have any classes together?"

"N-no, I d-don't thi-" Evan started, but was cut off by Connor. "Just AP US History. And I think our free period."

Evan looked at Connor in shock. "How d-did I not kn-know this?"

Connor shrugged. "I sit in the very back of the class. And avoid human contact."

"Well it's good to know someone's looking out for Evan," Heidi interrupted their side conversation. 

The three sat in silence for a while, munching on their tacos.

"So, what did you guys talk about?" Heidi said suddenly and nonchalantly, throwing both boys off. Evan sputtered and Connor shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Heidi looked down and saw the muscles in Evan's arm tense, showing he was most likely holding onto Connor for dear life. 

"Ev don't hold Connor's hand too hard, you'll cut off his circulation," she chuckled.

Evan and Connor looked at Heidi in shock. "Y-you knew?"

"Evan, I'm your mother, of course I knew. Plus you told me earlier he might, and I quote, 'end up being more than a friend.' And I have no problem with that."

Evan visibly relaxed and Connor sighed. "Thank you, Heidi."

She smiled. "Of course. You guys are super cute together anyway," she added, laughing as both boys blushed.

***

As Heidi closed the door behind Connor, she could hear Evan sigh and flop down on the living room couch. She chuckled and went to sit next to him.

"You have a good time honey?" She asked.

"Y-yeah." Evan sat up to face her. "He m-makes me r-really happy, mom."

Heidi smiled, ecstatic to see her son happy. She pulled him into a hug. "I'm so glad Ev."

***

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today was a good day. Today was an excellent day. Today might have been the best day I've had yet.  Connor is my boyfriend now! And my mom is okay with it!

I don't have much to say, I still haven't processed everything that happened. But for the first time in a while, I feel like someone other than my mom cares. And that's great. I'm very grateful to the universe for sending me Connor.

Sincerely, 

You

***

Connor quietly closed the door to his house, being as noiseless as possible as he attempted to sneak into his room.

"Connor Lawrence Murphy!"

Too late.

Connor groaned as he walked towards the living room, where his dad was standing with a look of pure anger, his mom was sitting on the couch with a look of relief, and Zoe was ready to watch it all unfold in a chair with a smirk.

"Where have you been, young man?"

"Probably with his dealer," Zoe commented.

"Fuck you too," Connor mumbled under his breath.

"Connor! Language!" Cynthia scolded. Connor rolled his eyes.

"You do not roll your eyes at your mother! Now I'll ask you again, where have you been?" Larry asked more forcefully, taking a step towards Connor. 

"Why does it matter? I'm here before nine, I'm not dead, and I'm not high!"

"You missed dinner!" Cynthia exclaimed.

"I had a better dinner than we ever could've had!" Connor retaliated angrily.

"What? Do drug dealers feed their clients now?" Zoe asked sarcastically.

Connor was about to lose it. "Maybe they do Zoe, I don't know, I was with Evan!"

His words hung in the air.

"Who's Evan?" his mom asked tentatively, slightly hopeful.

"A friend." 

"Oh, honey that's wonderful!" Cynthia stepped forward to hug her son, only to have him step back. She frowned slightly but quickly regained her composure. "You should invite him to dinner next weekend, we'd love to meet him!"

"Yes Connor, please do," Zoe added. "that way we know he's not fake."

Connor groaned. "Seriously? The goal here is to keep him as a friend, not drive him away with my crazy-ass family."

"Connor, watch yourself," Larry said darkly. "You will invite Evan over for dinner next Saturday. Hopefully, you haven't corrupted him by then."

"Well fuck you all!" Connor yelled. He stormed up to his bedroom, ignoring his mom's reprimands. He flopped on his bed. How did a day that started out so well turn so sour?

 

**From: Connor**

_hey ev, my family wants you to have dinner with us on Saturday. they want to meet you._

**From: Evan**

_Oh, okay...what if they don't like me?_

**From: Connor**

_trust me, there's a better chance you won't like them_

***

Evan closed the door of his locker. He hated Wednesdays. He didn't know why, they just always got to him.  Made him feel anxious. 

"Hey, Hansen," Jared said, sauntering up to him. "You. Me. My house. Saturday. 5:00. Be there." He was about to walk away when he heard Evan say, "I c-can't."

Jared turned around in surprise. Evan never denied an invitation to hang out with him. "Why?" he asked, confused.

"Um, I h-have to go t-to dinner with, with...Connor," he almost whispered his name so no one would hear. "and I h-have to m-meet his p-parents."

Jared felt a small pang of something but pushed it aside with a smirk. "Oh, so you and Connor are on the meet-the-parents stage now? What, you finally confess your love? Didn't take long."

When Evan didn't immediately shoot down that idea and a light blush crossed his face, Jared's eyes widened. "Holy. Shit. You're dating Connor Murphy! You're dating Connor Fucking Mprgh-" he mumbled as Evan covered his mouth.

"Sh-shut up J-Jared!" Jared removed Evan's hands from his face. 

"Chill Hansen, I won't tell the world about how you and the freak fuck on the weekends," he said with a wave as he walked off. Evan sighed.

***

Evan was having, a very, VERY hard time paying attention in History.

Since Evan had made the discovery that he and Connor had the class together, Connor had moved to the front to sit next to Evan, causing the teacher and students alike to give weird stares. 

But that wasn't why he couldn't concentrate.

While the teacher was talking, Connor would appear to be writing notes, but as soon as the teacher turned away, he would slide them to Evan. They ended up either saying something dirty, which made Evan blush, complimenting Evan, which made him blush even harder, and every now and then a doodle of the two would be slid over, causing Evan to blush more than he thought was humanly possible.

Connor grinned as he slid another doodle to Evan and watched his face light up. God the boy was adorable. 

***

As the bell to signal the end of class rang, and the lunch period began, Connor dragged Evan to the faculty parking lot.

"Connor w-what are y-" Evan was cut off by Connor pinning him to the school wall and kissing him. Evan gladly returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Connor's neck. 

When they pulled away, Connor asked jokingly, "Did you enjoy my masterpieces?"

Evan playfully hit Connor's arm. "N-not when they m-make m-me all r-red in class like th-that!"

The boys giggled, giving each other small pecks.

"God you're adorable," Connor said fondly.

Evan snorted, his nose crinkling up. Connor grinned and leaned in, kissing Evan again.

The boys were in pure bliss when the school door opened. They looked up to see Mr. Lewis standing in front of them, expression unreadable. Connor dropped his arms as Evan's breaths became short and quick.

Connor, for the first time in a long time, was scared.

"Mr. Lewis, please don't tell anyone," He pleaded, slightly panicked, as he walked toward the gym teacher. He didn't care that this was "out of character" for him. He couldn't let some teacher take away the one good thing in his life.

Mr. Lewis held his hands out as if to stop Connor. 

"It's alright boys, I get it," he said, lifting the side of his jacket to reveal a pride pin fastened to his shirt. "You two take care." He walked away from the boys, and Connor didn't stop watching the teacher until he got into his car and drove away.

Connor breathed a sigh of relief and turned to see Evan still slightly panicking. He rushed over to the boy, holding him in his arms. 

"Hey, it's alright Ev, it's okay..." Connor whispered sweet nothings into Evan's ear, trying to calm the anxious boy down. 

Evan's breaths eventually slowed, and his heart rate returned to normal.

"You alright?" Connor asked, concerned.

"Y-yeah," Evan said, burying his face in the front of Connor's hoodie. "That was c-close."

"Yeah," Connor said. "But did you see his pin? I never knew he was gay."

"I s-suspected," Evan said.

"Why?"

Evan looked Connor straight in the eye. "M-my gaydar is pretty strong, n-not to br-brag."

That's when Connor lost it. He started laughing so hard Evan had to hold him upright until he started laughing too. The boys were doubling over in laughter, trying not to fall over. 

As they wiped the tears from their eyes, Connor said, "God Evan, you're hilarious."

Evan smiled and pecked his boyfriend on the lips.

 

 


	13. Dinner With the Murphys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So since this story is going to be skipping days and weeks in between chapters, every couple chapters I'll put the date, and every time Evan does a Sincerely, Me or Sincerely, You, I'll put the date, so you have a sense of when the event is happening.
> 
> [TW: homophobia]

 

September 23, 2017 

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day, and here's why: you're meeting Connor's parents! Hopefully they'll be nice. Connor already told me they were so happy at the thought of him having a friend (He hasn't told them we're dating because his dad is homophobic).

I really don't know what to expect. Connor doesn't talk about his family much. But I'm just going to try to stay optimistic because that's what these letters are for. So I believe I will have a good time and Connor's family will be nice and we'll have a lovely dinner.

I hope.

Sincerely,

Me

***

"You ready?" Connor asked as he and Evan stood in front of the door.

"Y-yeah," Evan replied nervously, fiddling with the hem of his button-down shirt. 

Connor kissed him on the forehead. "It'll be alright." Evan nodded, and Connor opened the door to the house. 

As soon as the door was closed, Evan felt a shift in the atmosphere. He noticed how obsessively neat everything was, and how the light gray walls didn't appear to have a speck of dust. He also noticed how tense Connor had become, and how strained his voice was as he called for his mom.

A woman with strawberry blond hair appeared, and next to her a girl Evan knew to be Zoe Murphy.

"It's so nice to meet you, Evan! I'm Connor's mother, Cynthia," she said as she stuck out her hand. Evan shook it and flinched when he thought he saw Cynthia take notice of his sweaty hands. 

"N-nice to m-meet you," he said quietly. 

Zoe suddenly came up from behind her mother. "Hey Evan," she said, hugging him. Evan, while shocked, hugged back hesitantly. He felt Connor tense beside him.

"Oh! I didn't know you were friends!" Cynthia exclaimed happily.

"Well, I mean, we know each other, since we go to the same school, you know?"

"Of course. Well, dinner isn't quite ready yet, so-"

"We'll go up to my room," Connor said stiffly, already walking towards the staircase.

"Actually, Connor? Would you mind helping me?" Cynthia said hopefully.

Connor nearly groaned. "What about Evan?"

"O-oh, don't w-worry ab-bou-"

"I'll take him to my room!" Zoe said, interrupting Evan.

Connor glared at his sister. "Perfect," he said through gritted teeth. 

***

Evan walked around Zoe's room. It was big, and the walls were a deep purplish-blue. Zoe had been painting little white stars all over them. Her bed was round, which Evan had never seen before. In one corner there was her guitar and a little recording "station" that Evan assumed she used if she wrote songs. Her white desk was in another corner, and it, like the rest of the room and the house, was obsessively neat.

"You like my room?" Zoe asked, flopping down on her bed, patting the spot next to her.

"Y-yeah, it's n-nice," Evan said, cautiously sitting next to Zoe. "You um- do you wr-write songs?" He gestured to the recording station.

"Yeah! Wanna hear one?" Zoe said as she jumped off her bed to grab her guitar.

"Um, s-sure."

Zoe tuned her guitar a little before starting her song. "It doesn't have words, by the way."

It didn't need words. Although the only instrument was her acoustic guitar, an entire orchestra couldn't have performed it better. Evan was mesmerized by the melody that seemed to flow effortlessly from Zoe's fingers, and he found himself closing his eyes to truly focus on every single note.

When the song ended, Evan opened his eyes. "Th-that was incredible, Z-Zoe."

Zoe grinned and blushed lightly. "Thanks."

Evan smiled back. Zoe returned her guitar to its corner and sat back down next to Evan. "So, can you do anything?"

"H-huh?"

"You know, like a talent or something?"

"Wh-wha- um, n-not really?"

"Oh come on Ev," Zoe said, nudging him. Evan almost frowned at her use of the nickname. Only Connor and Heidi could call him that. "You have to have  _something_."

"W-well, um, I really like tr-trees so I can iden-identify them eas-easily?"

"I'll be the judge of that," Zoe said, pulling out her phone and searching "trees." She scrolled until she found a good picture and held it out for Evan to see.

Without hesitation, Evan said, "European beech."

Zoe checked the website. "Wow," she said stunned. "You're right." Evan smiled slightly.

They continued this game for a while until Cynthia called them down for dinner.

****

As Evan sat down next to Connor, he could practically feel the anger radiating from him. Evan lightly grabbed Connor's hand under the table, and Connor relaxed slightly and shot Evan a half-hearted smile.

Larry entered the dining room, and Zoe and Cynthia stood up immediately, with Connor trailing behind, nudging Evan. Evan, while confused, stood up with the rest of the family. After a few tense seconds, Larry nodded and sat down slowly, and everyone followed soon after. Soon, everyone had served themselves and were eating in silence.

"So...Evan is it?" Larry said. Evan nodded. "How'd you meet Connor?"

"Uh-uhm, w-well we um," Evan slightly panicked. He looked at Connor, not knowing whether or not he should tell the truth.

"He dropped a paper and I picked it up for him basically," Connor said.

"Wow, Connor did something nice? Surprising," Zoe remarked.

"Zoe please," Cynthia almost pleaded. "That was very nice of you Connor."

Silence, except for the sound of forks on plates. Evan shifted slightly in his seat.

"So what do you boys do together?" Larry asked. 

"O-oh, um, w-we just...j-just t-talk."

"Really? Figured talking wouldn't be your thing. With the stutter and all. I can see how that could get annoying."

Evan looked down, and Cynthia scolded Larry. Evan felt tears begin to form in his eyes. "I'm s-s-so-" he started quietly, but stopped when he felt Connor's hand on his arm.

"There's nothing wrong with your stutter. Besides," Connor said a little louder. "it's not your fault my dad's an asshole."

"Connor!" Cynthia exclaimed.

"You act like it's not true!"

"You don't speak about your family like that!"

"It's not like we act like a family anyway!"

Silence.

"Now, Connor," Cynthia said, strained. "You know that's not true."

"Yeah," Zoe added. "If it weren't for you, we'd be totally normal."

"Fuck you!" Connor said standing up. Evan flinched and looked up at him. He was sure he was the only one who could see the hurt on Connor's face hidden behind the anger and the mistiness in his eyes.

"C-C-Connor," Evan said quietly, placing his hand on Connor's arm. "Pl-please s-sit dow-down." Connor looked at Evan harshly, but his expression immediately softened and he plopped back down into his seat, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Evan was tempted to kiss Connor's cheek right then and there but resolved to give him a side hug. Evan was sure he was the only person who saw the almost invisible smile on Connor's face.

Everyone began eating again, the only conversation being the occasional request to pass the salt and pepper.

"So Evan," Larry began. Evan felt Connor tense and rubbed the back of his hand under the table.

"You and Connor are pretty...'touchy,'" Larry said suspiciously. 

"Oh, uh-uhm, real-really?"

"Yeah..." Larry said, leaning back in his chair. "Are you...a queer?" He said it so disgustingly that it felt as if he had completely twisted the boys' saying "quiet and queer."

"Wha-wh-why w-would I- n-no, No." Evan internally cringed at his lie, but Connor's hand squeeze reassured him that he had done the right thing.

"Good," Larry said, chuckling dryly. "Last thing I need is a fag in the family."

Evan almost yelped at how tight Connor squeezed his hand. He looked up at the boy. Connor's teeth were clenched, and he looked like he wanted to stab his father with the butter knife on the table. 

Evan was most surprised at the fact that no one said anything. Cynthia didn't reprimand Larry for being unaccepting, and Zoe didn't even seem like she was listening. Evan felt a pang in his heart at the thought that Connor had to  _live_ with these people. These people who hate Connor now, and would hate him even more if they knew who he really was. He wanted to kiss Connor, and tell him it was okay, that soon he would be able to leave these people and they could be together freely and-

"Evan? You okay? You're a little red," Zoe said.

"I'm fine," Evan said almost harshly, surprising himself. He got red when he was mad, and he was infuriated at the moment. Connor looked at Evan surprised. Evan never used that tone of voice.

The rest of the meal was silent.

"So...dessert anyone? I made a pie."

"That sounds lovely, Cynthia," Larry said. Cynthia nodded and got up. 

"I don't want dessert."

"Connor, please just cooperate," Cynthia pleaded. 

"Why? What's the point? We all know that as soon as Evan leaves, I'm gonna get a lecture anyway. Why try to act like I care?"

"Connor you need to stop this now," Larry demanded, standing up. "You are making a fool of our family!"

Connor stood up as well. "Really, Larry?  _Me_?! Says the guy who is literally yelling at me for not being hungry! Did it ever cross your mind that maybe everything isn't my fault?"

Larry scoffed. "Why can't you be like Zoe? She's sat here the whole time quietly."

"Because I'm not fucking Zoe! Sorry to disappoint!"

"God Connor, just act  _normal_ for once! Why are you such a mistake?!"

That seemed to hit Connor hard. Evan saw him physically flinch, and his face morphed from anger to sadness to pain to something in between all of that.

Connor cleared his throat. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a strangled sound that broke Evan's heart in two. "Alright then," Connor said quietly. He kicked his chair back and stormed out of the kitchen. They could hear his stomps up the stairs.

"I'm sorry you had to see that Evan," Larry sighed. "Usually Connor isn't this bad. Hopefully, he hasn't influenced you too much."

_Are you serious?! You literally called him a mistake! If anything, you're making any problems he had worse! How does he live with you people?_

If Evan had any courage at all, he would have said all of that and more. Instead, he simply nodded his head. "C-can I, um," Evan gestured to the stairs.

Cynthia nodded. "Of course dear."

***

Evan knocked lightly on Connor's door, hearing sniffles from the other side.

"Fuck off!"

"Um, uh, i-it's Evan..." Evan waited a few moments before hearing the door unlock. He opened it to find Connor lying on his bed, facing the wall. 

"H-hey," Evan said timidly. He slowly made his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge. "H-how are you d-doing?"

"How do you think?" Connor said harshly. Evan flinched. "S-sorry."

Connor sighed and sat up. His eyes were red and slightly puffy. He looked more exhausted and weary than Evan had ever seen him. "I didn't mean it, sorry."

"I-it's okay."

Connor sighed and crossed his legs. "I'm sorry you had to see that mess," he said, chuckling weakly.

"I-it w-wasn't your f-fault."

"Wasn't it though?" Connor ran a hand through his hair. "Apparently I'm a mis- a mistake," Connor's voice broke at the end. A few tears started falling down his face. "God, why am I such a fuck-up?"

Evan wiped the tears from Connor's face. "Y-you're not. I p-promise." Connor looked Evan in the eye and smiled weakly. 

"If only I believed you."

Evan frowned and pulled Connor into a hug. "C-Connor..."

That's when Connor lost it. He started sobbing in Evan's arms, practically yelling, repeating everything Larry said. "GOD, why am I such a failure?"

"Connor, y-you're not."

"But I am Evan! I'm a fucking  _fag_ who can't do anything right! My family would be so much better off without me! Everyone would!"

"Connor stop!" Evan yelled. Connor looked up in surprise. "Y-you're not w-worthless, a-and I don't kn-know how to g-get y-you to bel- to believe that, but i-it's true! You're not a f-failure, and you're d-definitely NOT a m-mistake. Y-you're the best th-thing th-that's ever h-happened to m-me. A-And y-you have n-no idea h-how much I w-would c-care if you dis-...if you disappeared."

Connor looked up at Evan with a look Evan couldn't quite place and kissed him. Evan could feel everything Connor was feeling. He could feel Connor's desperation. He could feel Connor's need for validation, and Evan gave it to him. He tried to give as much as he could. He needed Connor to know how much he cared, how much Connor mattered. 

When the boys finally pulled away, Connor smiled. Weakly, but enough to let Evan know that at least some of what he said had gotten through.

"Thanks, Ev," Connor said breathlessly. Evan smiled and wiped away Connor's tears, and Connor pulled him into a hug. Evan almost said "I love you," which startled him. He didn't realize how much he cared for Connor. He'd figure that out later, but for now, he pushed it out of his mind and focused on the boy in his arms.

He slowly rubbed up and down Connor's back, whispering calming things in his ear. When the two pulled away, Connor smiled a little wider and said, "God you're the best Ev."

"I kn-know," Evan said, making Connor laugh. Evan pulled Connor in for another kiss.

***

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today was...not as expected. Connor's family is...terrible. That's the only way I can describe them.

I don't completely know what to think about Zoe. She was, like, extremely nice to me before, but during dinner, she was really quiet. She didn't even stand up for Connor when Larry called him a mistake! And when she did say something, it wasn't very nice. I think she wants to be nice to Connor, but her parents keep her from doing so.

Cynthia is Connor's mom. It seems like she wants her family to be okay, but doesn't want to or know how to do anything about it. I mean, she got excited when Connor agreed to help her with dinner. I can't tell if she wants to help Connor or if she just wants to maintain her perfect nuclear family facade. Either way, she's not doing a very good job, and I think that scares her because she doesn't want her family to fall apart, so she takes any little moments of perfection she can get. I also think she might be scared of Larry, which would make a lot of sense.

And Larry. Larry is Connor's dad, and he's a straight up asshole. He called Connor a mistake! Who does that to their own son! I was so mad! I found Connor sobbing in his room, and it was obvious what Larry said really got to him. Why wouldn't it? I can't figure out why Larry is the way he is. He obviously scares his entire family, and he knows it. And I think he enjoys it, which scares me. He's probably the biggest threat to Connor. I hope he doesn't do something that...pushes Connor over the edge. 

Connor doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve any of this. I watched everything happen at dinner, and compared it to the dinner we had with my mom just last week.  _That's_ what a family meal should look like, not the chaos that happened at Connor's house. I never realized how incredible my mom was. I really hope Connor's okay. I was tempted to ask him to sleep at my house, but his dad would get pretty mad.

I just need to figure out how to get Connor away from that homophobic mess of a family as much as I can, and hopefully, everything will turn out fine.

Sincerely,

You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so that is all my banked chapters, so from now on, I'll post once a week on Saturdays.


	14. Jared's Interlude

Jared sat on his bed.

Jared sat on his bed on Saturday evening.

Jared sat on his bed on Saturday evening playing video games.

Jared sat on his bed on Saturday evening playing video games alone.

Jared sat on his bed on Saturday evening playing video games alone, because the only person who would actually sit there next to him was Evan.

Jared sat on his bed on Saturday evening playing video games alone, because the only person who would actually sit there next to him was Evan, and he was off having a grand old time with his new boyfriend.

Jared sighed and paused his game. He pulled out his phone, not really having anything else to do.

He scrolled through fellow classmates' Instagrams, seeing them all hang out with their friends.

He looked through a few accounts of people who promised they'd hang with him that weekend, and apparently never got around to inviting him on their escapades. 

Jared sighed. He knew everyone's name, everyone's birthday, heck, even their favorite animal AND color, and he only knew of 3 people that knew his name:

-Evan,

-Connor, because Jared constantly teased him, and

-Alana, because she literally was "acquaintances" with everyone.

Jared knew he wasn't popular, as much as he'd like to believe he was. He knew they didn't forget to invite him to hang out, they didn't want to. He knew they knew he knew that it wasn't an accident. 

He knew they didn't care. 

He knew whenever he was around them, he felt even more insecure about everything about himself. His face, his voice, his clothes, his body. He knew they knew he felt this way. 

He knew they didn't care. 

He knew when he felt like this, he would cover it up by picking on someone else or making self-deprecating jokes. He knew they didn't notice this.

He knew they didn't care.

He knew he tried extremely hard to fit in, but never found a group he clicked with. He knew they knew he didn't fit in because he sat with different people at lunch every week.

He knew they didn't care.

Jared knew that when he was with Evan, it didn't matter as much. He knew that as much as he tried to deny it, he liked having Evan around. He knew it felt nice to have a constant person in his life, other than his parents. He knew that Evan was worse than him, at least socially and mentally. He knew that wasn't a good thing. He knew that he used Evan's therapy to tease him. He knew he probably shouldn't do that and it wasn't helping Evan. But he knew that with Evan, he could be as much of an asshole as he wanted, and Evan wouldn't leave him, because he had no one else.

He knew that Evan now had someone else.

Jared sighed and shut off his phone. He made his way through his unnecessarily messy room to the hall. He went down the stairs to the kitchen to grab a snack. 

His mom was there, leaning against the counter reading a book, while something slow cooked in the crock-pot.

She looked up at him when he entered the door. "Hey sweetie," she said.

"Hey, mom. Just grabbing a snack."

"Well, dinner will be ready in about an hour, so don't eat anything too big."

"Okay."

As he searched the cabinets for a bag of chips or something, his mom spoke up. "Hey, why didn't Evan come over?"

"Oh uh, he had plans to meet a friend's parents," Jared explained, upset that the conversation had gone this direction. He really didn't want to think about Evan right now.

"Oh! Evan has other friends now?"

"Yeah, I guess so," Jared said, a lump forming in his throat.

"That's good for him  _and_ you! You'll have more time to spend with your other friends too!"

_What other friends?_

"Yeah," Jared said, forcing a smile. He grabbed a granola bar and made his way back to his room. 

While making the trek through his room to get to his bed, he stepped on something flat and slightly spiky. He hissed at the pain and bent down to retrieve whatever the thing was.

To his surprise, it was the old scrapbook he and Evan had made when they were 9. The cover had video game and computer stickers on it, along with pine needles. They added pictures for 5 years before everything went downhill.

Suddenly hit by a wave of nostalgia, Jared sat down and opened the book. The first picture was obviously staged. A grinning Jared had his arm around a beaming Evan, and both boys were giving thumbs up. It looked like they were in some kind of field, next to a tree, and you could see Heidi in the background. Jared thought back to when the picture was taken.

_"Jared, l-look at my l-leaves!" Evan exclaimed happily._

_"Cool!" Jared exclaimed as Evan handed him one. "We should keep these!"_

_"G-good idea!" Evan said. "But w-where?"_

_The boys thought in silence for a moment, before Jared jumped up._

_"I got it!" he yelled. "My mommy told me she uses scrapbooks to keep things and pictures for forever! We could make one!"_

_"Y-yeah!" Evan said excitedly. The boys raced to tell their moms, who loved the idea and agreed to buy them a scrapbook the next day. The boys cheered and ran around the field._

_When they were tired out, they returned to their blanket on the ground and were surprised to find that the leaves were gone._

_"W-what...what happened to m-my leaves?" Evan whimpered._

_"They must've blown away with the wind," Jared's mom said. "Sorry honey."_

_Evan started to cry. Jared hated it when Evan cried because then he wanted to cry._

_"Hey, don't cry Evan," Jared said softly._

_"B-but, now I h-have n-nothing for the- for the scr-scrapb-book," Evan said through his tears._

_Jared frowned slightly, but then his eyes lit up as he thought of an idea. "I know! We can take a picture instead for our first page."_

_Evan seemed to like this idea. "O-okay," he said happily._

_"Yeah! And then we can find more leaves for the second page, and they'll be better than the ones you first got!"_

_"Yeah!"_

_"Momma, can you take a picture of us by that tree over there?"_

_"Sure boys," Mrs. Kleinman said, chuckling, as the boys raced to the tree._

_When they got there, Jared put his arm around Evan. "Now do a thumbs up."_

_"W-why?"_

_"Because it's cool!"_

_"O-okay!"_

_Jared's mom snapped the picture, smiling. "That's a good one, boys."_

Jared smiled at the memory. He flipped to the next page, which was indeed a page of leaves glued to the paper. He chuckled and kept flipping.

He flipped through the entire book, seeing things he'd completely forgotten about, like the time they dressed up like Spongebob Squarepants and Patrick Star for Halloween, or the time the boys played video games together for 7 hours straight.

He came to the last filled page in the book. On it, was what looked to be a flier for the high school homecoming dance their freshman year. He immediately filled with dread as he thought of the day that paper was pasted.

_Evan had just smoothed the flier out on the paper when Jared stormed in._

_"A-are you o-okay?"_

_"What does it look like, Hansen?" Jared growled. He had been having a bad day. He had asked 3 girls and one guy to the dance and they all said no, he failed a test, and someone commented on how "there probably wouldn't be a suit that would fit him anyway." Needless to say, Jared was done with the day._

_"S-sorry."_

_"God, stop stuttering for once!" he yelled, plopping on his bed. Evan was shocked. Jared knew how much he hated his stutter, and never commented on it. He felt hurt. Really hurt._

_Jared turned his TV on and reached for the controller. Evan reached for the second one like he always did when Jared slapped his hand away. "You're not playing today."_

_"W-why?"_

_"Because I said so!" Jared started the game in a one-player mode. Evan was too scared of what was happening to do anything, so he just sat there and watched Jared play._

_Eventually, Evan got bored. "J-Jared, c-can I please pl-play?"_

_"I said no Evan! God, why are you being so annoying! I'm tired of hearing your voice and your stutter! It was better when your anxiety was so bad you couldn't talk at all!" Jared regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth, but it was too late._

_Evan was staring at Jared shocked, with tears in his eyes. He quickly gathered his things. "I-I'm gonna g-go," he said, turning towards the door._

_"Evan wait-" Jared started._

_  
"B-bye Jared," Evan said quietly, and left._

A few tears were slipping down Jared's cheek. Sure he and Evan had fought before that time, but Jared had never, NEVER ever dared to use his anxiety against him or tease him for it. That's probably why that time stuck, Jared noted. After that incident, Evan wouldn't return his calls and texts and avoided him at school. They only hung out when they were forced to, and even then Jared would still tease Evan. And when he got his car and car insurance, they started hanging out more often, but nothing got better. There were just simply more evenings of Jared playing video games while Evan watched. 

Jared had thrown out the second controller.

Jared shut the book quickly and wiped his eyes. God, this was not what he needed right now. His only friend had just truly abandoned him for the first time, and Jared had a feeling it wouldn't be the last. Could he even call Evan his friend now? He wasn't sure, but he would do it as long as he could.

Jared couldn't lose his friend even though they weren't really friends, because Evan was all he really had, and he couldn't lose that, because then, he'd really be alone, and god knows what he'd do if he was alone.

Jared couldn't lose his friend even though they weren't really friends, because  Evan was all he really had, and he couldn't lose that because then, he'd really be alone.

Jared couldn't lose his friend even though they weren't really friends, because Evan was all he really had, and he couldn't lose that.

Jared couldn't lose his friend even though they weren't really friends because Evan was all he really had.

Jared couldn't lose his friend even though they weren't really friends.

Jared couldn't lose his friend.

 

 

 

 


	15. Asking Him Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~2600 words

October 13, 2017

It had been three weeks since the mess that was the Murphy dinner, and the boys were doing...well enough. Evan and Connor talked about what happened, and Evan constantly reminded Connor he wasn't a mistake. Connor still drew doodles for Evan in History, and Mr. Lewis was extra friendly to the boys. Evan had hung out with Jared 5 times, even though Jared had invited him 9 times. But it was better than nothing. Heidi had insisted Connor have dinner with them at least once a week after hearing about everything that went down.

Clearly, the boys were fairly happy. 

Evan was sitting in his History class next to his boyfriend when someone sat in the seat on the other side of Connor.

Both boys looked at him in shock. No one dared to sit near Connor, besides Evan. They were still scared of him, especially now that he sat in the front.

"Hi!" the boy said cheerily. He had rich caramel skin and smooth black hair. He wore a yellow shirt with a navy blue hoodie and blue jeans. "I'm Wallis Simpson. I'm new."

"Figures," Connor muttered under his breath. He turned to Wallis. "Word of advice, don't sit here."

"Why?"

"I'm...not the most popular person."

"M-me n-neither," Evan said. 

"I'm the 'bad boy' or whatever."

Wallis pouted. "Who cares? I like you guys!" he said enthusiastically. 

The boys gave each other a wary look before turning to him. "Alright then, Wallis."

***

Wallis ended up tagging along with Connor and Evan for lunch because he had nowhere else to go. This upset Connor deeply because usually Evan and Connor could be more open about their relationship outside of school. Obviously, that was out of the question with a stranger around.

After school, Evan was headed towards the computer lab to print out an assignment. He knew he would pass Connor's locker on the way there, so that was a plus. 

As he turned the corner, he saw Connor and Wallis standing at Connor's locker. They were very close together. He could tell they were talking, so he stayed as quiet as possible and listened from around the corner. He knew he shouldn't be eavesdropping, but it's not like Connor had any secrets, right?

"...your first day?"

"Not as bad as I thought it would be!"

"Just you wait, it gets worse."

Wallis giggled. "You're so funny Connor....hey, um..."

Evan peeked around the corner. Wallis was staring at Connor with an expression Evan didn't like.

"What's up?"

"I know it's only been one day, but you've been really nice to me, so thanks for that."

"Oh, it's no problem."

"Yeah, I'm just glad you're not a school shooter," Wallis chuckled, "...though I do like a 'bad boy.'"

"What?"

"You heard me," Wallis said, moving closer to Connor. "I like bad boys."

"I don't understand."

Wallis groaned exasperatedly, before pulling Connor's hoodie towards him, along with the rest of Connor and smashing their lips together. 

Evan didn't need to see anymore.

He abandoned his path to the library, running to the janitor's closet that wasn't in use, a lump forming in his throat. He collapsed on the floor of the closet after locking the door. His tears took a few seconds to fall, but once they started falling, they didn't stop. It was a constant cascade of water down Evan's cheeks as he let out quiet, broken sobs and whimpers. 

He knew what was going to happen.

Connor and Wallis would start dating.

Connor would break up with Evan.

Evan would be alone.

Connor and Wallis would go to college together.

Evan would be on the other side of the country.

Connor and Wallis would room together in college.

Evan would room alone.

Connor and Wallis would have a long happy relationship.

Evan would be single forever.

Evan would get a wedding invitation in the mail 5 years later.

Evan would go to be a good friend.

Connor and Wallis would be so happy.

Evan would be so sad.

Connor and Wallis would buy a house, adopt kids, and be happy for the rest of their lives.

Evan would become that ex who helped them get together.

Evan would only have TV as a companion.

Evan would be alone.

Evan would be upset.

Evan would be on the verge of breaking.

Evan would break.

Evan wouldn't have anyone who cared.

Evan would be alone.

That's when Evan started sobbing. His entire body was trembling as wave after wave of pain racked his body. He  _knew_ he shouldn't have gotten too attached to Connor. He  _knew_  it was a bad idea to get into a secret relationship. He  _knew_ Connor would leave him one day.

He didn't know it would be so soon.

Evan sat in the closet alone until he was finally able to calm his sobs to sniffles. He checked his phone. It had been one hour. Pathetic. He stood up and tried to make himself look as presentable as possible, before opening the door and rushing to catch the second bus, tears still in his eyes.

He pulled his hood over his head on the bus, certain everyone was staring at him and his blotchy face. He told himself to not focus on that, to focus on something happy. His thoughts immediately flew to Connor. He frowned as he thought of that. It was pitiful, that the only happy thing he could think of was his possibly now-ex-boyfriend. He thought about what Connor was doing right now. How he was probably on his first official date with Wallis. 

Evan stopped there, as he could feel tears about to spill. He wiped them away stubbornly, as he felt his phone buzz.

**_1 new message from Connor_ **

He turned his phone off. 

***

Connor was at his locker when he felt a tap on his shoulder. 

He tensed and turned around, ready to fight whoever was there to mess with him, but he relaxed immediately when he saw Wallis.

"Oh, hey Wallis."

"Hey! I was just wondering if you took the bus with me."

"Sorry man, I'm driving home. My sister has rehearsal so she's taking a later bus."

Wallis frowned. "Bummer."

"Yeah," Connor said. "Oh, how did you like your first day?"

"Not as bad as I thought it would be!"

"Just you wait, it gets worse."

Wallis giggled, and Connor mentally cringed at how phony it sounded. "You're so funny Connor....hey, um..."

Connor looked at Wallis who was staring at him with a strange expression he was sure he had seen somewhere before. "What's up?"

"I know it's only been one day, but you've been really nice to me, so thanks for that."

"Oh, it's no problem."

"Yeah, I'm just glad you're not a school shooter," Wallis chuckled, "...though I do like a 'bad boy.'"

Wait. Did Wallis actually think Connor was a bad person? "What?" he said slightly angrily.

"You heard me," Wallis said, moving closer too close for Connor's comfort. "I like bad boys."

Now Connor was really confused. "I don't understand."

Wallis groaned exasperatedly, before pulling Connor towards him and smashing their lips together. 

Then Connor got it.

Obviously.

He stood there stiffly as Wallis kissed him. For way too long.

Connor felt...wrong. So wrong. Everything about this situation was wrong. It was in public, with a boy he barely knew. He suddenly recognized the expression Wallis had when he was looking at him. He didn't know its name, so he called it "the Evan face." It was the face Evan gave Connor whenever they were alone. It felt wrong coming from another person. 

Wallis finally pulled away with a smirk, but his face fell as he registered Connor's expression. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Connor ran a hand through his hair. "Look, man, I just met you, and-"

"So get to know me!" Wallis said with a smile.

"I'm sorry, I just...you're not my type."

"I could become your type," Wallis said seductively, wiggling his eyebrows and moving even closer to Connor. Connor tried to back up but was met with the lockers.

"Look, I'm not interested, okay?"

Wallis' eyes filled with tears. "Fine," he scowled. "I guess you are just as bad as everyone's been telling me you are. All day, people have come up to me and warned me about you. I guess they're right." he stormed off.

Connor tried to feel bad, but all he could do was breathe a sigh of relief. Honestly, he could care less if one more person hated him. That guy was kind of annoying. And dramatic.

He headed towards his car, waiting for Evan to come out so he could offer him a ride that Evan would decline, and Connor would insist. 

He waited ten minutes before deciding that Evan had taken the bus. He started his car and started the 25-minute ride home. 

When he got to his house, he shot Evan a quick text. 

**From: Connor**

_did you take the bus home? i didn't see you after school_

When Evan didn't respond for 10 minutes, Connor started to worry. Evan always responded immediately, and he had admitted it was because he was just so excited to get a text from Connor, which Connor found adorable. He called Evan, and the phone rang 5 times before going to voicemail.

"Um, you've r-reached E-Evan H-Hansen. I'm s-sorry  I m-missed your call...unlessyou'retryingtospammebecausethat'snotcool. Um, y-yeah. B-bye."

"Hey Ev, it's Connor. I just wanted to make sure you were okay? You didn't respond to my text, and now you didn't pick up the phone. Call me when you get this. L-Bye." He hung up. 

He sat down on his bed and realized he almost ended his voicemail with "Love you." That was terrifying. He didn't love Evan...did he? He pulled out his phone and searched "how to tell if you're in love," and clicked on a Buzzfeed quiz that said, "Can We Guess if You're in Love?"

**1) How well do you sleep?**

**_a) I get a solid eight hours_  
     b) I toss and turn  
     c) Sleep? What's that?  
     d) Depends on the night**

While Connor didn't understand what this had to do with love, he clicked "Depends on the night." Most nights after a date with Evan, he slept soundly. But anytime Larry or Zoe made an offhand comment, he had more trouble. And nights like the one after the dinner he had with Evan and his family? Sleep was a stranger.

**2) What's your relationship with your phone?**

**_a) I hate it and I love it_  
     b) It stresses me out  
     c) I need it. It is my baby  
     d) It's like whatever**

Connor picked "It's like whatever." The only reason he used his phone nowadays was to text Evan.

**3) Pick a song:**

**_a) "Baby One More Time"_  
     b) "No Scrubs"  
     c) "Single Ladies"  
     d) "Stay With Me"**

Connor picked "Single Ladies." Because of Beyonce. 

**4) Pick a movie:**

**_a) "When Harry met Sally..."_  
     b) "The Nightmare Before Christmas"  
     c) "Mad Max: Fury Road"  
     d) "Love Actually"**

Connor picked "The Nightmare Before Christmas" because that movie brought back good memories of times when he and Zoe would watch it together every Halloween and Christmas.

**5) Pick an activity:**

**_a) Reading  
_** ****_b) Playing video games  
_ **_c) Cuddling  
     d) Partying_ **

Connor picked "Cuddling." Over the past few weeks, whenever he felt down, he and Evan would cuddle. And every time he would tell Evan, "Fuck baseball. This should be America's favorite pastime."

**6) Which emoji represents your inner self?**

**_a) Astonished face_  
     b) Laughing-crying emoji  
     c) Wink emoji  
     d) Smiling piece of poop emoji**

Connor picked the poop. Because.

The website loaded the test's results.

**You got: You are in love!  
      _OMG you are SO in love. And that's obvious. It shows on your face; it shows in your smile; it shows in all the sighing and staring off into space you do. Go write some poetry already. But also: Congrats! But also: Get a room._**

Even though Connor didn't really do any of the things the result said he did, it still shocked him. Was he in love? How did that happen? He contemplated this for a while. 

When Connor checked his phone again, it had been an hour since he had called Evan. Now he was really worried. He grabbed the keys and walked out to the car, hoping that Evan hadn't done something to himself.

***

Evan sat in his room, and he had just finished his homework. He had cried all the way through it. He had ignored Connor's call, and now he felt sick. He knew some way or another Connor was going to break up with him. Evan was just trying to wait as long as possible. 

Now, that homework was done, he could resume in curling up into a ball and crying. So he did until he heard a knock on his bedroom door. He immediately sat up and began breathing heavily. His mom wasn't coming home that night, and even if she was it was way too early. Did he forget to lock the door? Oh god, what if it was a robber, or a kidnapper, or someone who wanted to hurt him or-

"Evan? It's Connor."

Evan breathed a sigh of relief but tensed up as soon as he realized what Connor was probably here to do.

"C-come in," he said nervously.

When Connor entered and Evan saw him, Evan wanted to cry. He knew he would never again be able to kiss those lips or hold those hands or put his arm around that waist or play with that hair or paint those nails or-

"Whoa, Ev, it's okay," Connor said steadily, as Evan was started to hyperventilate. Connor sat next to Evan on his bed and started breathing slowly. Eventually, Evan was able to match his breathing with Connor's

"H-how d-did you g-get in here?" He asked when he was calm. 

"You gave me a key, remember?"

"Oh y-yeah."

"Hey, are you okay? You didn't answer my text or call."

"I'm n-not," Evan said truthfully, looking down. "I kn-know what y-you're here t-to d-do."

"What?" Connor was confused.

"Y-you're g-going to br-break up w-with m-me," Evan said, yet another lump forming in his throat.

"What?! Why would I do that?"

"I s-s-saw you w-with W-Wallis!" Tears were streaming down Evan's face.

"What are y-oh. That," Connor said. "How much did you see?"

"J-just until he k-kiss-  he kissed you."

"Oh, so you didn't see me reject him."

Evan looked up at Connor, who had a small smile on his face. "W-what?"

"Evan, I'm not breaking up with you. I don't like Wallis."

"O-oh," Evan said. He wiped his tears and scratched the back of his head. "I f-feel st-stupid. S-Sorry."

"It's okay Ev. I'm sorry I even let it get to the point where he kissed me."

"It w-wasn't your fault." Evan looked at Connor with that look, "the Evan face," that had seemed so wrong on another person just a few hours ago. Now, everything felt right. He leaned in and kissed Evan gently, and Evan immediately kissed back. Connor wrapped one arm around Evan's waist, and the other rested on his thigh, while one of Evan's hands cupped Connor's face, and the broken one rested on top of the hand on his thigh.

When they pulled away, Connor had to literally bite his tongue so he didn't say "I love you." He figured he should wait for a special time. But for now, he would enjoy this moment with Evan and let the rest of the world fall away.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who cares:
> 
> I didn't randomly pick the name, Wallis Simpson. Wallis Simpson was an American socialite who literally seduced a king out of kingship. When she met Prince Edward VIII in England in the 1930s, she was married to her second husband. Wallis divorced her husband in 1934 and married Edward. When Edward became a king in January 1936, it was scandalous for him to have a woman who was divorced twice. It simply wasn't allowed. So he had to choose between kingship and Wallis. In December 1936, he resigned from his kingship to stay with Wallis.
> 
> So yeah, This has been a history lesson with Becca.
> 
> Also yes, that is a real Buzzfeed quiz.


	16. Halloween

[~2500 words]  
  
  


October 31st, 2017

"Boo!"

Evan yelped and practically jumped into the lockers as a man with a clown mask leaped in front of him.

Jared cackled and took off the mask. "That was too easy."

"Th-that w-wasn't funny Jared!"

"Oh, I thought it was hilarious." Jared slung an arm around Evan's shoulder. "Video games and candy binging tonight like always?"

"Oh, um, I c-can't? N-not tonight."

Jared's trademark smirk fell for a millisecond before repositioning itself. "What do you mean you can't? We do this every year."

"I-It's just, um, I pr-promised Connor he c-could take m-me to the or-to the orchard?"  _And I'd rather do that than sit and watch you play games for four hours._

"Aw, is he gonna propose?" Jared ignored the pang in his heart. He'd been getting those a lot, every time Evan rejected him.

"Sh-shut up!" Evan said. He did not want to walk into class with a red face.

"Chill, Acorn," Jared said, raising his arms in mock surrender. "Have fun with your boy toy," he said as he walked away.

***

Evan and Connor walked into the orchard hand in hand, Connor leading Evan to an open field framed with trees.

"Whoa," Evan breathed, as he took in the scene around him. The sun was just beginning to set, and soft oranges and pinks were beginning to fill the sky. The grass was short, but not too short, swaying gently in the soft breeze. The field was framed with trees, all standing tall and proud. Their leaves were finally succumbing to the crisp fall weather, displaying reds, browns, and oranges. "Connor, th-this is incredible."

Connor grinned. "I thought you would like it." He switched to Evan's left side and held his hand. Ever since Evan had gotten his cast taken off a few days ago, Connor had been taking every opportunity to hold it, claiming it deserved as much attention as his right hand had received.

Connor gently tugged Evan west of the field, toward a small grove of trees. As Evan followed Connor's grasp, a sense of familiarity overtook him. He had been here before, he just couldn't remember when.

Connor led Evan to a specific tree, a tall oak he had always sat under when he came to the orchard after getting into a fight with his family. Its branches were sturdy and long, and the tree itself seemed to radiate strength, dignity, and intimidation.

"Wanna climb it? Something tells me you've missed doing a proper tree climb since you broke your arm," Connor said.

Evan looked up at the tree, its branches creating fractures out of the sky. His breath caught in his throat. He had been here before.

_Evan looks up at the tree, tears streaming down his face. It stands so tall, so strong. It pulls the attention of people walking by and demands respect. Why can't he do that?_

_He chokes out a sob, bringing his fist to his mouth_ _so as_ _to not disturb the quiet peacefulness of the grove._

_How did he get here? He doesn't remember. All he remembers is that it's the last day of school, and he overhears Jared talk about his plans for the summer, and how he'll be gone for most of it, glad he "won't have to hang out with a loser like Evan." It's true. Evan is a loser. He remembers his mom calling him, telling him she can't pick him up like she thought, that Deborah had canceled her shift at the last minute and she wouldn't be home until late tonight. He remembers thinking about how alone he is, about how no one cares enough to try to understand, how he doesn't even understand._

_Evan's sobbing now, fisting his shirt in his hands. He looks up at the tree again. Maybe, just maybe, if he climbs the tree, he can summon some of the strength the tree clearly radiates. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea._

_Evan grips the lowest branch. The bark is rough, but it makes_ _him_ _feel something other than despair. He grips it tighter and hoists himself to the next branch. Once he starts climbing, he can't stop. He keeps going and going and going and climbing and climbing and climbing and-_

_Evan stops and pants. He's practically at the top now. The branches above are too thin, so he sits carefully on the branch below him and looks around. He must be a good 30 feet above the ground. The view is incredible. He can see over the tops of some trees into the meadow, with its bright green summer grass blowing in the cool breeze. The trees framing the field are an equally vibrant green, all lined up in a row. The sky is a brilliant blue, a cloud scattered here and there to add to the aesthetic. It's absolutely breathtaking._

_Evan expects to feel something grand. He expects to feel empowered, like he can do anything, because he could make it up this high. He wants to feel strong._

_All he feels is worthless._

_Evan looks at the trees. They have a purpose, they're doing good in the world, enhancing the beauty of the orchard and providing oxygen and a home to all kinds of living things. He looks at the grass, creating a soft place to sit and an aesthetically pleasing effect. He looks at the sun, providing light and heat, keeping everything alive._

_What can Evan do for the world? Nothing. If anything, he's dragging it down. His mom is stressed because she has to work extra shifts because Evan has needs as a human being. No matter how bad he feels asking for a new pair of shoes because his old ones have a hole in them, he still does it. And he can see the look of frustration that crosses his mother's face momentarily before it settles into a gentle smile, telling Evan of course, there's nothing to worry about._

_He thinks of Jared, who is literally forced to spend time with him. Who is probably miserable but hangs out with him not because he feels sorry for Evan, but because he'll lose his car if he doesn't. Jared doesn't like him. Jared probably can't stand him. Evan keeps Jared from having fun with his real friends because he's forced to spend his time with a waste of space like Evan._

_Evan really is a waste of space. He tries to think of another person he's affected, and can't think of anyone. Literally, only two people know of his existence, and it's because they have to._

_Pathetic._

_Evan's sobbing again. He can't take it anymore. He can't take the guilt of doing anything but harming people's lives. He can't do it. He can't take it anymore. He can't he can't he can't he can't he can't_ _-_

_Evan yelps and steadies himself on the tree. He nearly fell because he's sobbing so hard._

_Pitiful._

_But...what if he just...let go?_

_He sits and thinks. This is the most important decision of his life. The one thing he can control._

_He weighs the pros and cons. Pros: his mom gets a break. She'll only have to provide for one person. She can splurge sometimes, do things for herself. Jared gets to spend time doing what he wants, instead of wasting his time with Evan._

_Cons:_

_Cons..._

_Cons..._

_Evan can't think of any cons._

_This realization sends him over the edge. He has to do this. For everyone. He can finally do some good. He takes a deep breath and looks around. He's glad this is the last thing he'll see. He can die with a happy image in mind._

_He looks at the tree and pressed his palm to its trunk. Strength surges through him. He can do this. He has to do this. He takes a deep breath and leans forward._

_He is flying._

"Evan? Evan, stay with me." Connor's voice brought Evan back to the present. He was trembling, gasping for air. Sure, it happened months ago, but being back in the place where he had tried- well, it wasn't helping. It also didn't help when he realized he was literally five feet away from where he fell.

_Evan opens his eyes. All he can see is light. I did it, he thinks. No, wait, something's wrong. Is death supposed to hurt? He figures it would, just not specifically in his left arm._

_Ow._

**_Ow._ **

_The pain is unbearable. Fire is spreading up Evan's arm, and he can't do anything about it._

_Maybe he's in hell. Maybe he lived his life so badly that killing himself for the greater good wasn't enough._

_No, that's not it either. Evan's eyes finally adjust and he sees the tree's branches creating fractures out of the sky and it hits him._

_He's not dead._

**_He's not dead._ **

_Why isn't he dead?_

_Evan tries to move his arm, but it hurts so much he lets out a scream and sobs. He sobs because his arm is broken and it hurts and he can't move. He sobs because he's such a fuck-up that he can't even kill himself properly. He sobs because the tree that seemed so strong and powerful before mocks him. It taunts and teases. It_ _is_ _disgraced because_ _Evan_ _attempted to end it all in its highest branches, and he couldn't even do that._

_Evan sobs and sobs and sobs. He sobs so loud he's sure someone's heard him and is going to come running and find him and take him home and tell him that he matters._

_He sobs harder when no one comes._

"Evan!" Connor was practically shaking Evan. "Evan snap out of it!"

Evan looked up at Connor, still trembling.

"Evan are you okay?" Connor's face was etched with concern.

"Y-yeah," Evan said. Connor didn't need to know about what happened last summer. "L-let's just cl-climb the tr- climb the tree." Evan moved to grab the first branch. Almost immediately he started to panic again, remembering how he felt that day in early June.

Connor put his hand on Evan's shoulder. "Evan."

Evan didn't respond.

"Evan. Come on, you're obviously shaken up. Let's just stay here."

Evan shook his head. He had to prove to Connor, to himself, that he wasn't a weakling 24/7.

He quickly hoisted himself to the next branch, and just like last time climbed as fast as he could.

This time, someone was behind him.

Evan again made it to that branch, the last one before they got too thin, and sat down, leaning against the trunk panting. Within seconds, Connor was sitting next to him.

"Evan?" Connor asked gently.

Evan looked away from Connor.

Bad idea. He was gazing straight into the same view that had convinced him to-

Oh no he was doing it again oh god breathe Evan breathe you're not gonna fall because you didn't last time and-

"Evan!" Connor lunged forward to stop the shaking boy from falling. He swung Evan's leg over the branch so he was straddling it facing away from the trunk, creating a sturdier seat. "Evan talk to me."

Evan could only shake his head. He kept mumbling "I let go I let go I let go I let go."

"Evan, what are you saying?"

"I let go!" Evan yelled, disturbing the quiet.

"You let go of what?" Connor's voice was soft. Of course, he already knew what Evan was going to say. He still remembered their first conversation.

_Connor's grip loosened just slightly, "Therapist...why the hell do you need a therapist?"_

_"I-I have social anxiety disorders and it causes me to have l-like nervous sweat and b-break downs and so I'm supposed to w-write letters to myself a-about what's good or okay about today s-so that I don't-" Evan stopped._

_"So that you don't what...?"_

_"So I don't uh...break my arm again." Evan looked at Connor with a hidden meaning in his tone._

Connor had never forgotten. He had been itching to know what happened but knew it was something Evan should bring up.

"What did you let go of, Evan?" Connor asked again.

"The tree," Evan whispered, tears starting to fall. Connor swung his leg around the branch- straddling it and facing Evan- and scooted towards the boy, enveloping him in a hug as he sobbed into Connor's shoulder.

"I-I just f-f-felt like I d-didn- like I didn't m-matter."

Connor ran his hand through the boy's short hair. "It's okay Evan."

"N-no, it's n-not."

"Hey," Connor said pulling the boy from his shoulder and looking him in the eyes, "we all feel like that sometimes. But you've got me now, okay?"

Evan looked at Connor confused. "W-why?"

"Why what?"

"W-why d-do you c-care? Y-you could do s-so much b-better th-than a f-fuckup like m-me," Evan chuckled sadly.

Connor frowned and grabbed the boy's hand, warm and slightly sweaty in between his thin, cold ones.

"Because..." Connor hesitated. What were the right words to express how he felt about Evan without using  _the words_?

Evan frowned and looked away, a few tears falling. "I-if you d-don't care, you can j-just t-tell me. I w-won't...j-jump out th-the tree or s-something...heh..."

"No, it's not that!" Connor said quickly, wiping the tears from Evan's face. "It's just, god, I don't know how to say this without freaking you out."

"S-say what C-Con?" Evan looked up at Connor with the most hopeful, innocent, yet broken look Connor had ever seen. How could Connor  _not_ like this boy?

"I love you, Evan," Connor said without thinking. Scared to see Evan's reaction, he looked away from the boy and kept talking, picking at a piece of bark on the branch he was sitting on. "I love you and it sucks that you can't see how incredible of a person you are, but I promise you one day I'll get you to see what I see.  Because I see a beautiful, smart boy who has so much ahead of him and I just want to hug him and kiss him and just...protect him from the rest of the world. And yeah," Connor finished awkwardly, "that's that."

Evan was silent for a long time, and Connor was afraid to look up. He finally looked up- when he heard sniffles- to see a teary-eyed Evan with a small smile on his face. Evan tugged at Connor's hand to bring him closer and ran a hand through the boy's brown waves.

"I l-love you t-too,"  Evan whispered, smiling. Connor smiled back, placing his hand on the nape of Evan's neck. He leaned in and gently kissed the boy briefly before pulling away.

"I'm glad," Connor said, their noses touching. Evan giggled softly and pulled Connor in for another innocent kiss.

"H-happy Halloween, C-Connor."

"Happy Halloween, Ev."

***

Dear Evan Hansen,

Wow. Today was...interesting.

Connor loves me.

Connor loves  _me._

_Connor loves_ **_me._ **

Wow. Just wow.

I didn't think I mattered to anyone like that. I didn't think that anyone cared at all. It's a nice feeling, to know someone wants you around.

I love Connor. So much. That's all I can say right now, I'm still processing everything that just happened.

Just...

Wow.

Best. Halloween. Ever.

Sincerely,  
You


	17. Winter Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry for the hiatus, winter break happened to me and I didn't bring my laptop when I traveled
> 
>  This is short because it was going to be a long chapter that I was having trouble with but then my genius friend said "just break it up"
> 
> So I did
> 
> Here's to genius friends

 

The boys would forever remember that November and the majority of December as the best months of their relationship yet. After confessing their love for one another, they were inseparable when they could be; while at school they were strangers, literally anywhere else they were practically conjoined at the hip. They went on so many dates that the workers at A la Mode, an ice cream shop near the orchard, knew their exact order and had it halfway prepared by the time the boys entered the shop.

Connor was happy for the first time in a long time.

Evan was happy for the first time in a long time.

Before the boys knew it, winter break had begun.

***

December 21st, 2017

"I w-wish you d-didn't have to- to go," Evan said, slightly frowning.

The boys were laying on Evan's bed, enjoying their last few moments together before Connor had to leave for his family's annual ski trip with the Harrises.

"Me too Ev," Connor sighed, playing with the other's fingers. He really was bummed. He'd be gone until the 30th, meaning he wouldn't be there for Evan's birthday the next day. It also meant Connor wouldn't see Evan on his birthday, the 29th. "Trust me, if I could get out of it I would. I hate the cold."

Evan pouted and scooted closer to Connor, burying his face in the crook of Connor's neck while the taller boy wrapped an arm around him. "I'm g-gonna m-miss you," he said quietly.

"Yeah, me too," Connor said, rubbing Evan's arm affectionately.

Heidi knocked on the door of Evan's bedroom before opening it. She smiled at the two boys, tangled up and completely infatuated with each other.

Of course, she was up to date with everything that was happening between the two. When Evan came home after that fateful day at the orchard, practically glowing, he had immediately spilled everything to Heidi- even the fact that he let go (that had turned into another conversation the next day)- and she couldn't have been happier.

"Boys?" she said quietly. "Connor's family is here to get him."

Evan whined and pulled Connor closer- if that was physically possible, Connor groaned, and Heidi chuckled. "You've got like, two minutes to say goodbye. I suck at stalling," she said.

Once she shut the door, Connor squeezed Evan one more time, pried himself from Evan's arms and stood up, stretching his long limbs. Evan sighed and stood up next to him.

Connor picked up his bag for the next week or so, and turned to Evan, who practically attacked him with a hug. Connor chuckled and dropped the bag, running a hand through the boy's hair. "It's only 9 days Evan," he said, but he knew how long it would feel. Evan didn't respond, only held Connor tighter.

The boys stood there in each other's arms for about 30 seconds before reluctantly pulling away.

"Love you," Connor said, pecking Evan's lips.

"L-love you t-too," Evan said, smiling.

Connor sighed and picked up his bag, and left the small room, closing the door behind him.

Evan sighed and flopped onto his bed.

It was going to be a long nine days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was short, only about 600 words, but I can guarantee next week's will be over a thousand. And yes, it will be next week


	18. Connor's Shitty-Ass Winter Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK
> 
> I'm back for good this time I swear
> 
> Things have been a little busier than usual so I was too drained to write, so this week's is a little shaky
> 
> I got big plans for next week though so stay tuned
> 
> And that's it
> 
> Enjoy

 

December 23-30, 2017   **  
**

**From: Connor**

_hey ev, just letting you know we made it to colorado liked you asked me to_

**From: Evan**

_Yay! How was the plane ride?_

**From: Connor**

_i "slept" so as to avoid human interaction_

**From: Evan**

_Smart._

**From: Connor**

_i know right_

_gotta go, the harrises' kids are all over me trying to see my screen_

**From: Evan**

_Okay, bye!_

**From: Connor**

_< 3_

***

Connor stepped out of the car and stretched, grunting in satisfaction as he felt the cracks in his back and arms. After the hellish car ride filled with the three Harris kids, aged 9, 11, and 14, he was ready to crawl into a hole.

"Okay, we should check into our rooms first, then hit the slopes!" Nancy Harris said cheerfully. Honestly, Connor could see why Cynthia and Nancy were friends. They were basically the same, PTA-esque, try-everything mom, except Nancy had a smaller stature and was blonde with a can-I-speak-to-the-manager haircut.

"Sounds perfect," Drew Harris said, in his I'm-a-generic-American-dad-who-barbecues-every-Saturday voice.

"Actually I'm really tired. Can I just nap in the room or something?" Though this excuse never worked, Connor was ready to try anything to get out of sliding down cold, slushy, wet hills.

Cynthia sighed. "Connor, you slept the entire way here. There's no way you're tired. Besides, don't you want to spend time with the Harrises?"

"Yeah Connor, don't you just love us?" Sam, the eldest Harris son said. He was 14 with a stocky build and was probably one of the most annoying children Connor had ever met.

Connor scoffed. "Of course not."

"Connor!" Larry scolded. He turned to the adult Harrises. "I apologize, we've got him on a new medication and he's still adjusting."

That was a lie in all ways. Larry didn't believe Connor needed medication or therapy, or anything like that. This was his standard excuse for Connor's behavior in any setting where Larry wanted his family to seem perfect. 

Nancy smiled awkwardly. "Seems like he's on a new medication every time we see him."

Larry chuckled. "Well, he's a problematic person. We'll let him skip today and hopefully, he'll be better mentally tomorrow, if that's okay with you."

Connor was almost seething. This happened every year. The adults always talked about him as if he wasn't standing 2 feet away from them. He was silent as the families checked in and he was handed the key to his separate room on a different floor than the others (it was the only way his parents could get him to come on the trip). He didn't even say goodbye when he walked to the stairs, wanting to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

When he finally got to his hotel room, he breathed a sigh of relief. He'd get at least six hours of peace, and he was determined to make the most of it.

So he flopped on his bed and pulled out his phone to text Evan.

***

**From: Connor**

_evan_

_ev_

_evieeeee_

**From: Evan**

_I'm here, I'm here_

**From: Connor**

_i've got 6 hours alone_

**From: Evan**

_Whoa! How did you manage that?_

**From: Connor**

_i have my ways_

**From: Evan**

_Slightly suspicious... but I'll let it pass :)_

**From: Connor**

_thanks :) i don't wanna be here. since i skipped out on today they're gonna be all over me tomorrow and i'm not ready for that_

**From: Evan**

_That sucks. But, I mean, at least they want to be around you, right?"_

**From: Connor**

_more like they have to have me around because they don't want me to burn down anything and they're still trying to prove to the harrises that we're a perfectly normal family_

**From: Evan**

_Oh._

**From: Connor**

_yeah_

**From: Evan**

_I'm sorry_

**From: Connor**

_it's fine. what're you doing?_

**From: Evan**

_Literally nothing_

**From: Connor**

_sounds fun_

**From: Evan**

_Oh, I promise you it is_

_Oh, are we still doing that thing on New Years? I know we brought up the idea but we never really talked about it._

**From: Connor**

_yeah, of course, we need a way to celebrate both of our birthdays. who should we invite though? neither of us has (m)any friends_

**From: Evan**

_Well I was thinking_

_1) Zoe? Just so she doesn't feel left out._

_2) Jared. I know you don't like him (I don't really either), but he's still my family friend. Plus he's more tolerable on holidays and he'll have nothing to do._

_3) Alana. I don't know her super well but she's the only person at school who really notices me, and she seems nice._

**From: Connor**

_1) what the fuck no are you crazy_

_2) how the fuck do you still deal with that asshole hell to the fucking no_

_3) okay_

**From: Evan**

_Come on Connor. Won't you invite your sister to a party at her own house? And Jared isn't as bad as he seems. Like I said, he's better at social gatherings. And isn't a party of five a little less pathetic than a party of three?_

**From: Connor**

_grrr i hate when you make good points_

_fine_

**From: Evan**

_Yay! Thank you! <3_

**From: Connor**

_yeah yeah <3 k i'm gonna go and browse through the 25 channels this tv has and i am positive over half of them will be either sports (ew) or in spanish_

_pray that i find food network_

**From: Evan**

_Will do._

_Bye!_

**From: Connor**

_ciao <3_

***

Connor shivered as a gust of wind blew through him. He hated the cold, and his 15 layers of clothing weren't helping at all.

He looked down and immediately regretted his decision. Seeing his feet dangling over the ski lift in mid-air was not the smartest idea. He snapped his head forward, trying to ignore the trembling in his hands.

"Aw, is Connor scared of heights?" Sam said teasingly.

"Shut the fuck up," Connor said menacingly.

Sam grinned and kicked his legs around, making the small seat sway. Connor grit his teeth and tried to discreetly grip his seat.

"Aw, is Connor scared he's gonna fall?" Sam said mockingly.

Connor practically growled under his breath. Yes, he was scared. He wasn't about to tell this asshole that, though. So he turned to Sam. "I'd be more worried about the fact that I'm taller and most likely stronger than you, and there's just a thin metal bar separating you and the end of the seat. Doesn't look too strong either."

Sam shut up after that.

When they reached the top of the hill, Sam immediately walked- or, skiied- over to the rest of his family, who had ridden in the seats ahead of him and Connor.

Once everyone had wobbled their way over to the center of the hill, the adults started ushering the kids down the hill; each Harris took a younger Harris, Larry took Sam down, and Zoe helped Cynthia.

And then Connor was alone at the top of the hill. He took a deep breath and looked around. Now, Connor didn't hate skiing- well, the physical actions. He more so hated the idea of family-bonding-trip-isn't-this-great-oh-hey-while-we're-at-it-is-Connor-still-a-freak skiing. 

He slowly inched towards the slope of the hill and took in the stillness surrounding him. This was possibly his favorite part of the entire trip; these few moments of peace before he would go zooming towards his family and all the negativity in his life. Connor sighed and pushed off.

He was flying.

Connor's hair whipped around his face and his goggles, the cold wind slapping him over and over and over again- but in a good way. He gracefully weaved around slower skiiers and the few plastic trees placed for Christmastime.

Okay, so maybe this was Connor's favorite part of the trip. He was able to practically let go since skiing was second-nature to him by now. If he could, he would ask for ski therapy. He could let go- without letting go.

Connor reached the bottom too soon, his skis sliding to a stop. He had moved a little slower than usual, hoping the rest of the family would leave him alone; yet there they were, waiting for them.

"Come on, let's go again!" Cynthia said, grabbing her son's arm and leading him back towards the ski lift. 

Dear god.

***

Connor groaned and checked his phone as his alarm went off. Why did he set his alarm? He was on vacation. He checked the name of his alarm.

_GET UP YOU DIPSHIT IT'S CHRISTMAS DO YOU WANT TO BE LECTURED FOR BEING LATE_ , it read.

Connor cursed and shut off the alarm, sighing in relief as the ringing stopped. He stood up and stretched, walking towards his suitcase to get his "special Christmas outfit," his mom called it. It was his normal black skinny jeans, usually paired with a festive, colorful Christmas sweater. 

However, this year, Connor was playing by his own rules. 

He'd bought a black sweater, and put a bunch of decorations on it, all related to the Nightmare Before Christmas. He practically put the poster of the movie on his sweater, but added a few festive touches, like a silhouette of Santa riding in his sleigh, and "Merry Christmas" in Tim Burton-esque font on the bottom.

Usually, Connor would've worn a plain green or red sweater and called it a day, which usually resulted in an argument. But this year, he was trying. Trying to be better. Not because he wanted to, or because he thought it would work. but because he promised Evan. He'd promised he'd try to cooperate with his family, and it was already proving difficult.

But here it was. The final test.

Christmas Day. 

Connor sighed and looked in the mirror.  _Okay, Connor, just survive today and it'll be...decent. Ugh, giving yourself a pep talk? You sound like Evan._

Connor's phone buzzed.  _Speak of the dev- no- angel._

**From: Evan**

_Merry Christmas!_

**From: Connor**

_thanks you too!! even though you're jewish_

**From: Evan**

_Doesn't matter. A season's greeting is a season's greeting._

_So, are you ready for today with your family? What are your plans?_

**From: Connor**

_idk, i'm gonna try my best to be nice, but i don't know. doesn't help that the harrises' hate me too._

_i'm going to my parent's suite where we're all gonna open gifts, then we're gonna have "family time"- which is basically talking or board games, then we're gonna eat christmas dinner_

**From: Evan**

_Sounds easy enough_

**From: Connor**

_yeah it is, until they start talking about me_

**From: Evan**

_Well, if they do, maybe try politely changing the topic?_

**From: Connor**

_shit that's smart_

_one problem though_

_polite isn't exactly my thing_

**From: Evan**

_But you're usually pretty polite to most people when I see you_

**From: Connor**

_that's because i'm trying to impress you_

_is it working_

_you're blushing aren't you_

**From: Evan**

_Yes but that's beside the point_

_If I help you be nice, I guess...think of me?_

**From: Connor**

_okay_

_i'll try_

***

"Connor."

Connor felt a tap on his shoulder and removed his newly gifted headphones. "Huh?"

"I said it's nice to see you put effort into your Christmas sweater this year," Cynthia smiled approvingly.

Connor shrugged, but inside he felt a warmth in his chest. No matter how much he hated his family, it was nice to know they approved of him sometimes. "Yeah, well I figured, if I have to do Christmas might as well put my own twist on it." He cringed internally at how stiff and fake he sounded. He was trying, really trying not to just put his headphones back on and ignore everyone, because that would be rude.

Mrs. Harris smiled. "And it looks great! Do arts and crafts help you control your drug addiction?"

Connor's hands clenched around the black headphones. "What drug addiction?"

Mrs. Harris looked shocked. "Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought- well you're always on so many medications- I just assumed-"

_"Assumed what? That I'm a good-for-nothing stoner? Fuck you all!"_

Connor bit his tongue and almost physically swallowed his words. Mrs. Harris was still rambling out an apology about how  _she used to know this kid who took medication and he was on drugs so she just assumed_ and Connor needed her to stop it  _stopit **stopit-**_

He nearly opened his mouth when he saw Evan. 

Okay, not actually Evan, but an Evan of his imagination. It was just for a moment, and he was by the Christmas tree just staring straight at Connor, and Connor knew he needed to calm the fuck down.

"It's alright Mrs. Harris," he said as calmly as he could. "It was an honest mistake. Can we just change the subject?"

All the adults- and Zoe- stared at Connor like he had just grown a third leg. He simply shrugged and replaced his headphones.

***

Connor plopped on his bed after a surprisingly delicious- and quiet- meal. He had only been brought up once, and it was about how he made his sweater.

_Holy shit, did I just survive Christmas?_

**From: Connor**

_ev_

_evan_

_evan hansen_

**From: Evan**

_Sorry, I'm here, what's up?_

**From: Connor**    _  
_

_i did it_

_holy shit i survived christmas_

**From: Evan**    _  
_

_Yay!_

_I'm proud of you_

**From: Connor**    _  
_

_thanks <3_

_thinking of you helped_

**From: Evan**    _  
_

_..._

_Blushing again_

**From: Connor**    _  
_

_i swear to god evan you are the adorablest_

**From: Evan**    _  
_

_Connor that's not a word_

**From: Connor**    _  
_

_shut_

_only like 4 or 5 more days until i see you!_

**From: Evan**    _  
_

_Yay! I'm so excited_

**From: Connor**    _  
_

_me too_

_i gtg beat bobby flay is coming on_

**From: Evan**    _  
_

_Okay_

_Let me know if the chef beats Bobby_

**From: Connor**    _  
_

_will do_

_bye_

**From: Evan**    _  
_

_Bye_

***

**From: Connor**  

_aw fuck bobby won_

***

Connor walked through the gate, the sights, sounds, and smells of the airport hitting him all at once. He was looking around quickly, scanning that crowd for a glimpse of a blue shirt, a flash of dirty blonde hair, or a peek of an impossibly cute face, when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

"Connor!" He turned.

"Evan!"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey random thing I'm playing Celia in my school's production of Shakespeare's As You Like It and rehearsals just started so that's fun


	19. Evan's Lonely-Ass Winter Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello
> 
> I told you I was back for good
> 
> I'm really happy right now I don't know why
> 
> Enjoy this chapter
> 
> By the way, shit goes DOWN in the next chapter
> 
> New Years' is the starting point of basically the plot for the rest of this story so I'm really excited
> 
> I hope you are too

**__** **From: Connor**

_evan_

_ev_

_evieeeee_

**From: Evan**

_I'm here, I'm here_

**From: Connor**

_i've got 6 hours alone_

**From: Evan**

_Whoa! How did you manage that?_

**From: Connor**

_i have my ways_

**From: Evan**

_Slightly suspicious... but I'll let it pass :)_

**From: Connor**

_thanks :) i don't wanna be here. since i skipped out on today they're gonna be all over me tomorrow and i'm not ready for that_

**From: Evan**

_That sucks. But, I mean, at least they want to be around you, right?"_

**From: Connor**

_more like they have to have me around because they don't want me to burn down anything and they're still trying to prove to the harrises that we're a perfectly normal family_

**From: Evan**

_Oh._

**From: Connor**

_yeah_

**From: Evan**

_I'm sorry_

**From: Connor**

_it's fine. what're you doing?_

**From: Evan**

_Literally nothing_

**From: Connor**

_sounds fun_

**From: Evan**

_Oh, I promise you it is_

_Oh, are we still doing that thing on New Years? I know we brought up the idea but we never really talked about it._

**From: Connor**

_yeah, of course, we need a way to celebrate both of our birthdays. who should we invite though? neither of us has (m)any friends_

**From: Evan**

_Well I was thinking_

_1) Zoe? Just so she doesn't feel left out._

_2) Jared. I know you don't like him (I don't really either), but he's still my family friend. Plus he's more tolerable on holidays and he'll have nothing to do._

_3) Alana. I don't know her super well but she's the only person at school who really notices me, and she seems nice._

**From: Connor**

_1) what the fuck no are you crazy_

_2) how the fuck do you still deal with that asshole hell to the fucking no_

_3) okay_

**From: Evan**

_Come on Connor. Won't you invite your sister to a party at her own house? And Jared isn't as bad as he seems. Like I said, he's better at social gatherings. And isn't a party of five a little less pathetic than a party of three?_

**From: Connor**

_grrr i hate when you make good points_

_fine_

**From: Evan**

_Yay! Thank you! <3_

**From: Connor**

_yeah yeah <3 k i'm gonna go and browse through the 25 channels this tv has and i am positive over half of them will be either sports (ew) or in spanish_

_pray that i find food network_

**From: Evan**

_Will do._

_Bye!_

**From: Connor**

_ciao <3_

***

Evan turned off his phone and laid back on his bed. All the happiness texting Connor had brought him seemed to have vanished into thin air.

Of course, he was alone. Almost immediately after Connor had left, Heidi had gone too. She hadn't even tried to get time off or fewer shifts over the holidays. They needed the money, and, as she had told Evan, "Just because you're off school doesn't mean there are fewer emergencies." In fact, there were usually more emergencies during the holidays, so Heidi often worked even longer shifts. Their weekly dinners were nonexistent. Evan hadn't even gotten the chance to spend Hanukkah with his mother. Sure, he'd gotten some gelt from Jared, but that was it. There wasn't enough money for a luxury like presents.

His birthday was the worst. It was on the 22nd, at the beginning of winter break. If Jared was feeling nice, he'd spend a few hours with Evan, but nothing more. So Evan was often alone on his birthday too. He had hoped this year would be different since he had Connor. But just like every year, he was alone.

Even though Heidi tried to figure out a way where he wasn't alone- because of what he had told her about the orchard- she couldn't. She felt bad and was worried, but Evan assured her he would be fine. He knew he would be. He wouldn't do anything like that again.

He couldn't hurt Connor like that.

Evan sighed and got out of bed, not really having a destination. He found himself in the kitchen and poured a glass of water before heading back to his room. There, he sat on his bed and slowly chugged it, getting lost in his thoughts.

Evan was almost jealous of Connor. Sure, his family sucked and the Harrises sounded like assholes, but a part of him longed for a family who spent time with him and actively tried to get him to participate. There were moments he almost got mad at Connor for hating these people who wanted him around. He felt bad immediately after, knowing what kind of people they were. But still, he couldn't help but long for-

Evan's phone interrupted his thoughts.

**From: Jared**

_yo Acorn cant come over 2nite like i thought i could. parents wanna take me to see this play downtown. srry but not really_

_oh also cant come over 2morrow for ur bday_

Evan sighed.

***

**From: Connor**

_happy birthday ev! wish i could be there_

**From: Evan**

_Thanks! Wish you were here too!_

**From: Connor**

_got any plans?_

**From: Evan**

_Not much, gonna hang out with Jared, bake a cake_

**From: Connor**

_sounds...interesting. don't worry, we'll make it up when I get back_

_oh shit gtg_

**From: Evan**

_Okay, bye  
_

Of course, Evan was lying to Connor. The last thing he wanted was for Connor to pity him, especially on his birthday; Jared had already canceled and Evan was a terrible baker. He'd probably end up not eating anything, seeing as Heidi forgot to buy groceries before she went to work. 

Evan flopped onto the couch and browsed through Netflix, not really picking anything.

 _Best. Birthday. Ever_ , he thought sarcastically.

***

It was 6 pm, and Evan was hungry.

He hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch because there was literally nothing to eat. Unless you counted stale cereal and a quarter of a jug of now-spoiled milk, there was nothing.

Evan was desperate, and he did the unthinkable. He opened his laptop and ordered a pizza online. 

It took him longer than expected to order, as his hands shook from thinking about answering the door. But his hunger overtook him and he pressed the order button.

The next 20 minutes were unbearable. He sat at the edge of the couch, anxiously picking his nails, his stomach twisting into knots as he waited for the pizza delivery.

The bell rung and Evan jumped.

He quickly shuffled to the door and took a deep breath before opening it. 

A college-aged boy with a crew cut stood there with a pizza. "Pizza for Evan?"

Evan nodded. "Ah, y-yes, that would- um- th-that would be m-me," he mumbled awkwardly. 

"That'll be $8.05."

"R-right, um." Evan reached into his back pocket, and a spool of anxiety twisted in his stomach as he realized he left the $10 bill on the table. "I-I left it on the- on the table. I-I-I'll be right b-back," he said, face flushed. 

Evan hurried into the house and nearly slipped on the carpet on his way back to the door. He awkwardly handed the bill to the delivery boy as he handed over the pizza.

Evan stood there, praying he didn't drop the pizza as the delivery boy counted out the change.

The pizza boy put the change on top of the box, looking at Evan's now sweaty face. "You good?"

"Y-yeah, um, s-sorry I just- I-I have anxi-anxiety."

CrewCut- as Evan was now calling the boy in his head- scoffed. "Yeah, I can tell, weirdo. Don'cha take meds or something? I thought people with mental problems were, like, druggies or somethin'."

Evan chuckled awkwardly. "N-not exac-exactly, b-but-"

"Save it," CrewCut interrupted. "It'll take you 5 minutes to get through a sentence. I don't need your life story."

"S-sorry."

"Whatever." CrewCut turned around. "Freak," he said under his breath. 

Evan heard him. He could feel tears starting to form as he closed the door.  He set the pizza down on the table and made his way to the couch. He suddenly wasn't very hungry anymore.

 _Deep breaths Evan_ , he told himself.  _You're not about to have an anxiety attack_.

 _Freak_. The word bounced around his head, creating painful throbs as it ricocheted off his skull.  _Weirdo_. Evan held his head. His breaths were short and newly formed tears started to flow. 

New words started to filter in, words students had called him and words he called himself.

 _Stupid._  
 _Loser._  
 _Worthless._  
 _Fag._  
 _Alone._  
 _Weirdo._  
 _Freak._  
Freak.  
 **Freak.  
FREAK.  
** _FREAK._

Evan sobbed, clutching at himself, wanting it to be over. He sat there in a ball on his couch. What else could he do? Heidi wasn't home, Jared didn't give a shit, and the last thing he wanted to do was have Connor worry about him for the duration of his trip.

Evan was truly alone. 

It took at least an hour for his breathing to return to normal and for the tears to stop flowing. He was still shaking as he got himself a glass of water, drinking it all in one gulp. Once most of the anxiety passed, he was still hungry. He looked at the now-cold pizza. 

This is not how he wanted to spend his birthday. 

***

Dear Evan Hansen,

Yet another birthday has come and gone. The only eventful thing was me failing at ordering pizza.

I had an anxiety attack. A fucking  _anxiety attack_ over rude comments by the pizza boy.

What is wrong with me?

I'm not telling anyone. Not my mom, not Jared, not Connor. Especially not Connor. I don't want him thinking I can't do anything without him. I mean, come on, it's pathetic. My first day of being alone and I've already starved myself, been sufficiently awkward, and had an anxiety attack. If Connor knew, he would dump me for sure. 

I miss him, though. It's only been one day but I miss having someone there for me. Is that a bad thing? Am I relying too much on one person? This is too much to think about. I just have to hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

Sincerely,  
You

***

**From: Evan**

_Merry Christmas!_

**From: Connor**

_thanks you too!! even though you're jewish_

**From: Evan**

_Doesn't matter. A season's greeting is a season's greeting._

_So, are you ready for today with your family? What are your plans?_

**From: Connor**

_idk, i'm gonna try my best to be nice, but i don't know. doesn't help that the harrises' hate me too._

_i'm going to my parent's suite where we're all gonna open gifts, then we're gonna have "family time"- which is basically talking or board games, then we're gonna eat christmas dinner_

**From: Evan**

_Sounds easy enough_

**From: Connor**

_yeah it is, until they start talking about me_

**From: Evan**

_Well, if they do, maybe try politely changing the topic?_

**From: Connor**

_shit that's smart_

_one problem though_

_polite isn't exactly my thing_

**From: Evan**

_But you're usually pretty polite to most people when I see you_

**From: Connor**

_that's because i'm trying to impress you_

_is it working_

_you're blushing aren't you_

**From: Evan**

_Yes but that's beside the point_

_If I help you be nice, I guess...think of me?_

**From: Connor**

_okay_

_i'll try_

***

Evan was alone on Christmas. He didn't celebrate it, so there was no reason today would be any different than the others. Still, there was a pang in his chest all day, knowing that literally everywhere else, people were opening presents, eating large meals, and being with family.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. 

***

Evan anxiously tapped his foot as passengers started to come out of the gate. He searched for a black hoodie, a streak of Cynthia's red hair, anything. 

Heidi chuckled at her son. "Ev, relax." She had managed to get the day off to pick up the Murphys. Evan was glad, but he still felt a twinge in his heart when he thought about the fact that she hadn't even tried to take any others days off for him. 

He caught a glimpse of an impossibly tall person's back with long brown hair and a black hoodie, standing next to a red-haired woman.

"Connor!" he yelled without thinking. 

The person turned. His face lit up. "Evan!"

Oh god, Connor.

Connor.

Evan couldn't help it as he ran to Connor, pulling him into a hug. He could feel Connor chuckle into his hair as he hugged back. 

Evan pulled away and looked at Connor.

Connor smiled. "Hey."

Evan nearly leaned up to kiss him, but remembered the current situation, blushed, and stepped back just as the other Murphys made their way over. 

"Good to see you, Evan!" Cynthia said, embracing the boy. Larry gave him a firm handshake. 

"Hey Evan," Zoe said, hugging the boy for a few seconds longer than he enjoyed. 

"Well, let's not stand in the middle of the airport. The car's this way." Heidi said, ushering them towards the moving walkway. 

"I'm gonna use the bathroom," Connor said. "Meet you there."

"You don't even know where we're going," Zoe scoffed.

Now, Heidi had seen the way the boys had nearly kissed as they greeted one another, and a simple yet clever plan quickly clicked in her mind. 

"Evan, go with Connor. You know where the car is, right? You can take him." Heidi knew the boys needed some time to give one another a proper greeting. 

"O-Oh, uh, yeah," Evan said, following Connor towards the bathroom. 

As soon as they entered, Connor looked to make sure it was empty and pulled Evan into a passionate kiss. Evan immediately melted and held onto Connor like a lifeline. 

They pulled away. 

"I missed you."

"I m-missed you too."

The boys leaned against the wall, Connor's arm around Evan.

"How was your birthday?" he asked.

"Uneventful," Evan replied. 

"Well, we'll celebrate for real tomorrow. Did you invite everyone?"

"Y-yeah, they're all coming."

"Cool." Connor suddenly lunged forward and kissed Evan again. 

"W-what was that f-for?" Evan asked, blushing

"I don't know. I just- I missed doing that."

Evan smiled. "M-me too." He softly pecked Connor on the cheek. "I l-love you."

"I love you too. But I do actually have to pee."

 

 


	20. Happy New Year's

"Connor!" Evan giggled as his boyfriend threw streamers onto his head.

Connor grinned. "Just wanted to see what you'd look like with long hair." He instinctively leaned over and kissed Evan's forehead.

Both boys tensed as they slowly looked over at Zoe.

She, thankfully, had been focused on setting out snacks and missed the boys' exchange.

They breathed a sigh of relief. This was the fifth time they had slipped up, and it couldn't happen again.

Zoe turned around. "Connor, where's the sparkling cider?" The Murphy siblings were much more civil towards one another during the holidays. Something about it made them not want to be assholes.

Connor smacked himself. "Knew I forgot something."

"Connor! How the fuck are you supposed to have a New Year's party without cider?"

Connor dismissed her annoyance with a wave of his hand. "It'll be fine, we'll use grape juice or something. It's not a big deal." Zoe huffed just as the doorbell rang.

Zoe answered it. "Alana!"

"Hello Zoe, Connor, Evan," the girl said excitedly as she entered. "It's nice to see you. How was your winter break?"

"Oh, it was pretty go-"

Alana interrupted, placing her coat on the rack. "Really? Mine was great. I did another 20 hours of community service, learned 15 new chords on my ukelele, cooked Christmas dinner, and traveled to Boston to see my grandfather. You know, he's been really depressed lately, since my grandmother passed. The doctor put him on medication, but they said there's a chance he'll die soon anyway. I just hope it's not the same way my grandmother died. That would be tragic, what with two different old people breaking their hip getting in the bathtub. I mean, poor Dr. Jessie took care of my grandmother too, and they sure would have their reputation tainted with two of their patients dying within six or seven months of each other, right?"

An awkward silence filled the room. No one knew how to respond.

Alana covered her mouth and the tips of her ears turned red. "Oh gosh, did I do it again? I'm sorry, I've really been working on not rambling. I give away too much information and it makes people uncomfortable. Oh gosh, I'm sorry Zoe, I interrupted you, that was rude. I'm sorry."

"I-It's okay, Ala-Alana," Evan said quietly. He, for once, completely understood what Alana was going through.

"Yeah, Alana, it's fine." Zoe offered Alana a warm smile.

Alana smiled nervously. "Thank you. I'm working on it."

The doorbell rang repeatedly as if someone was rhythmically hitting it with a hammer.

Connor groaned. "I'll get it."

He had to hold back a scowl as Jared Kleinman walked into his house.

"The V-I-fucking-P has arrived!" Jared announced.

Zoe clapped slowly. "Oh great, now the party can really start," she said sarcastically. Jared simply grinned at her.

"Hello to you too. Hey Alana, Evan."

Alana waved and Evan gave Jared a timid smile.

Jared shrugged off his coat and let it fall to the floor, Zoe immediately scooping it up and placing it on the coat rack 2 feet away from him.

Everyone walked into the living room. "This is all of us? Kinda sad," Jared remarked.

"Would you rather be alone?" Connor snapped.

Jared raised his hands in mock surrender. "Chill, I'm just making an observation. Long as there's sparkling cider, I'm fine."

Zoe snorted, and Jared looked at her, confused. "What?"

Zoe chuckled. "It just so happens that my dear, dear, brother here has forgotten the cider and proclaims it 'not a big deal,'" she said, forming air quotes.

Jared turned to Connor with a look of pure horror and disgust, and Evan could tell he wasn't faking it. "You what?"

Connor shrugged, obviously not taken aback by Jared's expression. "Yeah, we've got like, 6 different juices and Sprite, we can make some shit work."

Jared was suddenly pacing around the room, and Alana sat on the couch, watching with interest. Zoe leaned on the armrest, smirking, and Evan stood nervously behind Connor.

"How the fuck do you have New Year's Eve without sparkling cider??? Have you lost your damn mind??? No Sprite-plus-apple juice combo in the world can replace it!!! You need to get some fucking cider before I blow up." Jared stopped pacing, looking Connor dead in the eye. "And I will blow up right in your fucking face."

Connor scoffed and pushed past Jared, flopping into a chair. "Please, I'm not going out at 8 o'clock on New Year's Eve to get cider when you're the only one who fucking cares," he chuckled.

"A-Actually, um," Evan spoke up. Everyone's eyes turned to him, and he felt himself blush as he furiously concentrated on his hands fiddling with his shirt. "J-Jared's kinda r-right. Every, um, every year we s-stop whatever we're, um, whatever we're doing and drink cider at mid-midnight, and it's, uh, it's kinda awesome."

"Thank you!" Jared yelled, plopping into another chair.

"I agree with Evan. Cider seems like a fundamental part of New Year's Eve since we can't have champagne or anything," Alana piped up.

"Yeah, Connor, you should definitely go get cider," Zoe said, still smirking.

Connor stared at Evan with wide and angry eyes. "How. Could. You."

Evan chuckled. "S-sorry."

"Majority rules," Zoe announced, clapping her hands together. "All in favor of Connor making a late-night run to get a crucial element of New Year's Eve, say I."

"I," Jared yelled, raising both hands into the air.

"I," Alana said.

"I."

"I-I."

Connor looked at Evan again. "Traitor," he said slightly jokingly. Evan smiled nervously and shrugged.

"Fine!" Connor said, grabbing his coat. "I'll be back in like, 15 minutes."

As he shut the door, Jared whooped. "The school shooter's gone! We can party now!"

"Jared!" three voices scolded him. Jared scoffed. Zoe made her way over to the speakers and plugged in her phone, putting on a preset playlist.

Everyone in the room was frozen.

"So, are we gonna dance or..." Alana trailed off uncomfortably.

"Fuck yeah!" Jared said, jumping off the couch and doing a strange wiggle motion.

Everyone groaned.

"My eyes! My eyes!" Zoe said, but she was laughing. Alana was laughing as well and joined Jared in his strange dance. Zoe caught on and eventually, Evan joined in.

By the time the song ended, everyone was out of breath from laughing and dancing. The next song came on, and Evan turned ridiculously red.

Jared looked at him with an evil grin. "Evan..."

"N-no."

"C'mon..." he said teasingly. "I know you remember it."

"N-not in f-front of Zoe and Alana!"

"No please do," Zoe giggled, stepping out of the middle of the room and off the dance floor.

"Yes Evan, please do," Alana said enthusiastically.

And that was how Jared and Evan ended up dancing a piece they choreographed as kids. To "All Star."

When it was over, Evan was red from head to toe, and Jared was grinning so hard his face hurt. Zoe and Alana were laughing hysterically, all while trying to be a respectable audience by clapping.

"That was great!" Zoe said, wiping a tear from her eye.

Evan was now a tomato.

As Pentatonix drifted through the room, Zoe and Alana stood up to dance with the boys.

Evan felt included as everyone twirled around one another.

He was really really really happy.

***

About halfway through the song, Zoe called out to Evan.

"Can you help me look for party hats? I think I left them in my room."

"S-sure."

As they made their way up the stairs, Evan tried not to think about how uncomfortably close Zoe was to him. He also tried not to think about her hand on his shoulder as she opened her door.

"I think I put them somewhere in this trunk," she said, gesturing to a trunk next to her desk.

"O-okay."

Evan tried not to think about how close Zoe was to him as they kneeled over the trunk, rummaging through to find the hats.

"I don't um, don't s-see them," Evan said.

Zoe stood up next to Evan.

"That's because they're not there." Their chests were nearly flush up against each other.

"W-What do you -" Evan was cut off as Zoe pressed her lips to his.

That's all it felt like. Lips touching lips. There was no spark like there was when he kissed Connor. It was almost disgusting, as much as he hated to think so.

Evan tensed as Zoe put her arm around him. He was so lost in his thoughts he hadn't pulled away and now they were pressed too close and Zoe was too warm and it was all wrong and oh god what if someone walked in and saw them what if Connor came back-

Evan finally had the sense to push Zoe away, a little too roughly. She stumbled back and supported herself on her bed. Her face was flushed and she had a smirk on her face.

The smirk fell when she saw Evan. Evan could feel himself struggling to breathe and could sense the frown on his face.

The two stood in silence.

"Th-that, um, that-"

"Was good?" Zoe asked hopefully, though Evan could sense the fear in her voice.

"W-well, um, technically, yes but. I don't, um, don't see you like that?"

Zoe frowned, and Evan saw the fire and confusion in her eyes. "Well maybe we just need to try again," she said, walking toward Evan.

"N-No." Evan took a step back.

Zoe stopped. She didn't seem sad. She was angry. "Why not?"

"Because..." Evan hesitated. He could feel the words waiting to tumble out of his mouth. He couldn't tell her, could he?

"Because?"

"BecauseConnorandmearedating," he blurted, regretting it immediately as shock and confusion and anger crossed Zoe's face.

"You're gay?"

"I don't, um, don't know? But Connor makes me happy and I think I make him happysoifyoucouldjustnottellanyoneandnottellConnoryouknow-" Evan stopped because he felt his anxiety getting the best of him.

He watched as Zoe contemplated what he was asking.

She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "Fine."

Evan exhaled. "Thank, um, thank you."

"Whatever." Zoe grabbed the bag of hats from under her pillow and left the room.

***

Evan sat in the living room, waiting for Connor to come back. He couldn't tell Connor what happened, could he? No, Connor had been fairly happy lately and he and Zoe hadn't been fighting. He couldn't ruin New Year's for both Murphy's.

His thoughts were interrupted by a door opening and closing.

"I got like 25 bottles," Connor announced, dumping multiple bags on the couch, the sounds of bottles bumping into each other coming from inside.

Jared whooped and grabbed a bottle. "Let's play a game."

"We have Monopoly," Zoe suggested.

"Perfect. The game that tears people apart," Jared grinned.

"Fine with me," Connor said. Evan looked at Connor and Connor looked back. He smiled, and just like that, whatever happened with Zoe faded away. For now.

"Sounds fun," Alana said and Zoe took the game from the cabinet. "Can I be the banker?"

***

Evan rolled the dice, groaning as he realized the number of spaces he had to move would land him in jail. Connor laughed and Evan shot him a look. Connor nudged Evan playfully and Evan's scowl turned into a gentle smile.

He looked around and saw Jared staring at him with a look that said "really?" He rolled his eyes.

He looked at Zoe, who had seen their interaction and had a sour look on her face. He quickly looked away.

The game continued and, for Evan at least, it was very tense. He could feel himself starting to retreat into himself, and he knew Connor could sense it too. He knew Connor, unfortunately, couldn't do anything because they were on the floor and had nowhere to hide their hands.

Luckily, the game was over fairly quickly and Alana had managed to make millions while everyone else was bankrupt.

Connor glanced at his phone. 11:50. He stood up and grabbed a bottle of cider and his coat.

"Where are you going?" Zoe asked.

Connor scoffed. "Like I'm gonna be here at midnight with you people." He quickly left.

An awkward silence filled the room as everyone tried to comprehend what just happened.

"Should, um, should someone go after him?"

"Nah, it's not like he won't come back," Jared said. Evan struggled to figure out how to ask to go after Connor. He really wanted to be with Connor at midnight.

"You should go." Evan looked at Zoe shocked. "W-what?"

"Go make sure he doesn't do something stupid." Evan nodded and grabbed his coat.

As soon as he closed the door, an arm wrapped around his waist. "I knew you'd figure out how to get out of there."

Evan sighed, the tension of the night leaving his body. He snuggled further into Connor. Connor chuckled and grabbed Evan's hand. "Come on. I wanna take you to this park. It's like 7 minutes away, so we gotta walk fast."

They made it with five minutes to spare. Connor sat on a bench, patting the seat next to him.

Evan sat and Connor put an arm around him. "You seemed kinda tense back there."

Evan shrugged. "People."

Connor nodded and rubbed Evan's arm. The boys sat in content silence.

After a few minutes, Connor checked his phone for the timer he set to go off at midnight. 45 seconds.

"Here, stand up." He reached out a hand for Evan.

"Why?"

"It's more romantic this way." Connor held both of Evan's hands and glanced at his phone on the bench.

When it hit 15 seconds, he could here Evan start to count quietly and joined in.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Connor leaned in and pressed his lips to Evan's. Both boys felt the fireworks that other people around the country were seeing and pulled each other closer.

Even though the air was frigid and the boys' hands were freezing because they'd neglected to wear gloves, neither of them had ever felt so warm. They didn't let go, even when they pulled away from the kiss. They stood there, in the middle of a park, wrapped in each other's arms, lips barely touching, absolutely silent. They didn't need words. Any words they could have uttered seemed unnecessary.

"Happy New Year, Connor," Evan finally whispered.

Connor didn't say anything, he just pressed his lips to Evan's again.

Perfect. 


	21. Zoe's Not-So-Happy New Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a while  
> I'm going to try to update as consistently as possible because I really do have plans for this story

Zoe nearly knocked over the chips she was setting up for the party because her hands were shaking. She stole glances at Evan every chance she got. She could do this. She could do this. All she could think about while she fought with Connor over sparking cider was what Evan thought of her.

She didn't know why Evan appealed to her. He was the opposite of the guys she usually dated: quiet, shy, anxious. All she knew was that he had come over for dinner one evening and she hadn't been able to take her eyes off him. She felt a stir in her chest and stomach that she hadn't felt since Jason Ghats dumped her last year.

She realized Evan was like a magnet. He pulled attention to himself, but not in the loud, brassy way others did. He was quiet, and she only felt the pull when everyone else was quiet.

Normally, Zoe didn't do anything about her crushes. She either waited it out until her feelings disappeared, or that person eventually asked her out on their own. But this time, she was taking a risk.

New Year, new me, right? she thought. This year, she was going to go for what she wanted, rather than waiting around, hoping it would happen.

The doorbell rang, and Alana entered. The only other person who made Zoe's stomach erupt in butterflies. If she was being honest, she would rather go after Alana. But one look at the studious, model student and Zoe knew she wasn't into girls.

Zoe snapped out of her thoughts soon enough to hear Alana's question.

"-your winter break?"

"Oh, it was pretty go-"

"Really? Mine was great. I did another 20 hours of community service, learned 15 new chords on my ukulele, cooked Christmas dinner, and traveled to Boston to see my grandfather. You know, he's been really depressed lately, since my grandmother passed. The doctor put him on medication, but they said-" Alana droned on and Zoe stopped listening. She started thinking about other things, like the lack of sparkling cider and Evan's dirty-blonde hair and Alana's long braids and Evan's shaky hands and Alana's smooth brown ones and-

Alana clapped her hands over her mouth. "Oh gosh, did I do it again? I'm sorry, I've really been working on not rambling. I give away too much information and it makes people uncomfortable. Oh gosh, I'm sorry Zoe, I interrupted you, that was rude. I'm sorry."

"I-It's okay, Ala-Alana," Evan nearly whispered.

"Yeah, Alana, it's fine." Zoe smiled at the girl.

Alana smiled back. "Thank you. I'm working on it."

Jared Kleinman pounded on the door, ruining the serenity of the group.

As he made his grand entrance, all Zoe could think about was whether or not to follow through with her plan, until she heard Jared mention sparkling cider.

Her stomach did a little flip. If she could get Connor out of the house to buy cider, there would be time for her to talk to Evan upstairs without Connor feeling weird about his sister and best friend upstairs alone.

Oh god, she was actually going to do this.

***

"Evan? Can you help me look for party hats? I think I left them in my room."

"S-sure."

Evan led the way up the stairs to Zoe's room, and she was so nervous she barely registered the fact that she was standing uncomfortably close to him. To hopefully ease the tension that she thought only she was feeling, and to breaking the touching barrier, she rested a hand on his shoulder as they entered her room.

The two rummaged around Zoe's trunk for a few minutes, even though Zoe knew exactly where the hats were. Her heart was racing as she tried to figure out how to tell Evan why she actually brought him upstairs.

Evan stood. "I don't um, don't s-see them."

Zoe took a deep breath and stood close to Evan. "That's because they're not there," she said as meaningfully as she could, in hopes that he would get the message

"W-What do you -" Zoe didn't want to have to go through the awkward I-like-you conversation, so she swiftly pressed her lips to Evan's.

She felt sparks and relaxed as she wrapped an arm around him, attempting to deepen the kiss. Her heart sank slightly when he tensed and she realized he wasn't kissing back, but she tried to blame that on the shock he must have been in.

Evan pushed Zoe away.

Hard.

She stumbled back. While the push made her stomach drop to her toes, she couldn't help but smile a little, because she had done it. She'd gotten over her fears and made a move.

She stopped smiling when she saw the huge frown on Evan's face and the fact that he looked like he was almost hyperventilating. She felt her eyes sting with tears and blinked rapidly to get rid of them. She didn't know what to do, so he stood there.

Evan finally spoke. "Th-that, um, that-"

"Was good?" Zoe tried to sound confident and cringed at how scared she sounded.

"W-well, um, technically, yes but. I don't, um, don't see you like that?"

Zoe's heart plummeted. She wasn't going to give up just yet, though. "Well maybe we just need to try again," she said. She moved a little closer to Evan.

"N-No." Evan stepped back like she was cornering him with a chainsaw.

Zoe stopped. Her heart wasn't plummeting anymore. She was mad. She wasn't that bad of a kisser, was she? What had she done so wrong that made Evan cower? "Why not?" she demanded.

"Because..." Evan stopped.

"Because?" Zoe was getting impatient.

"BecauseConnorandmearedating."

It took Zoe a moment to process what Evan had said. She could feel her face go slack as she understood his words.

Of course.

Of fucking course.

She would have been okay with so many other reasons, but this? No. It wasn't fair that Connor was taking yet another potentially good thing from her.

"You're gay?" she asked, still a jumble of emotions.

"I don't, um, don't know? But Connor makes me happy and I think I make him happysoifyoucouldjustnottellanyoneandnottellConnoryouknow-" Evan stopped before Zoe could tell him to shut up.

Zoe had to think about this, and she felt a pang of guilt for having to do so. She should immediately want to make Connor happy, but she honestly didn't give two shits. But she knew what would happen if she told anybody. If she told the school, people would bully Evan, which she didn't want. And if people bullied Connor, he would find out it was her who told everyone, then she might as well be dead. Or people at school might come at her, asking her if she's gay too and teasing her.

She could tell her dad, but she knew how traditional- that was the word he used- he was. He would kick Connor out of the house, and Zoe didn't want things to go that far. Then Larry would suspect Zoe of being gay too- no matter how much he likes her- and the last thing Zoe was doing was admitting her pansexuality to her homophobic father.

There really was no way out. She would have to keep the secret.

Zoe sighed. "Fine."

Evan's face immediately relaxed, and Zoe knew she had done the right thing. No matter how mad she was at Evan, she still cared for him. "Thank, um, thank you," he said.

"Whatever." Zoe grabbed the bag of hats on her way out of the room.

***

Zoe watched as Evan rolled the dice, and smirked when she saw he would land in jail. She was still bitter about what went down in her room but seeing Evan struggle at Monopoly was helping to alleviate the pain.

Evan groaned as he realized what Zoe had already noticed. Connor laughed as he realized, and Evan scowled at him. Connor nudged Evan playfully and Evan's face melted into a smile.

Zoe frowned. Why did she have to see that? It was bad enough knowing what was going on between them. She didn't need a reminder in their little gestures of affection that she was just now noticing.

Like how Evan lit up when Connor came back with the sparkling cider.

Or the way Connor looked at Evan every time the smaller boy got excited about someone landing on his property.

Or how the two "accidentally" brushed hands when reaching for the dice or the fake money.

It all made Zoe sick.

Evan must have noticed the look on her face because his smile fell and he looked down and shifted uncomfortably.

Good. He deserved to be uncomfortable.

***

Connor took a bottle of sparkling cider and left as soon as the game was over.

There was silence as everyone tried to figure out what Connor was doing. Zoe immediately guessed he was smoking.

"Should, um, should someone go after him?" Evan asked quietly, still uncomfortable.

"Nah, it's not like he won't come back," Jared said.

Zoe knew what was going on. She contemplated agreeing with Jared, but remembered she was trying to actually do this "New Year, new me" thing.

"You should go," she said to Evan.

"W-what?"

"Go make sure he doesn't do something stupid." Evan gave Zoe a grateful look that made her heart soar and sink at the same time. He quickly left.

The remaining sat on the floor in silence until Zoe couldn't stand it. "I'll be in my room," she announced.

She dashed up the stairs as fast as she could. She turned up the volume on the TV in her room to muffle her sobs. Ryan Seacrest was counting down as she watched numbly.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Happy Fucking New Year's.

Zoe certainly didn't feel like celebrating.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments motivate me so  
> You should do those things  
> Yeah  
> Bye


	22. Jared’s Oscillating New Year

_Okay Jared, you can do this. For one whole night, you can be not an asshole._

He rang the doorbell repeatedly, out of nerves.

 

Connor opened the door and gave a scowl.

 

Jared's heart sank but he plastered on a smile.

 

_Never let them see you sweat._

 

  "The V-I-fucking-P has arrived!" He announced loudly. _Shit._

 

***

 

"How the fuck do you have New Year's Eve without sparkling cider??? Have you lost your damn mind??? No Sprite-plus-apple juice combo in the world can replace it!!! You need to get some fucking cider before I blow up." Jared looked at Connor. "And I will blow up right in your fucking face." Jared wasn't joking. He took his New Year's traditions very seriously, and sparkling apple cider was a big part of that.

 

"Please, I'm not going out at 8 o'clock on New Year's Eve to get cider when you're the only one who fucking cares."  

 

Jared's stomach turned. Connor sounded annoyed. Had he gone too far? Did he need to stop? God, he always did this. He could never tell when someone-

 

  "A-Actually, um," Evan started, "J-Jared's kinda r-right. Every, um, every year we s-stop whatever we're, um, whatever we're doing and drink cider at mid-midnight, and it's, uh, it's kinda awesome."  

 

 

Jared's insides filled with warmth as Zoe and Alana rallied around him as well. Even though it was for something as stupid and trivial as sparkling apple cider, Jared hadn't felt this kind of unification and support in years.

 

It felt nice. He relished in it. 

 

***

 

As the door closed on Connor, Jared did it again. He was an asshole.

 

"The school shooter's gone! We can party now!" 

 

 _SHIT why would you say that you stupid asshole_ , Jared thought as everyone scolded him. He spaced out as Zoe started the music. He thought about why he acted this way. It was something he'd thought about for years and still couldn't figure it out. He was sure there was some deep-rooted issue, but he was scared to figure out what it was.

 

"So, are we gonna dance or..." Alana's voice snapped him back to reality and he grinned. This. This was the part he was good at. Being goofy, making people laugh at him if not with him. It was the only reason his school "friends" kept him around. He knew how to pretend to be the life of the party.

 

"Fuck yeah!" He yelled, jumping off the couch and doing a dance he could only describe as "the noodle." There was a small twinge of anxiety and fear when everyone laughed at him. It was quickly replaced with joy as Alana joined in on his strange dance, then Zoe, and finally Evan. Jared grinned harder and laughed louder than anyone. For the second time that night, he felt unified and accepted.

 

As the song ended, everyone was breathless and giddy. Jared started to leave to get water when he heard a familiar tune.

 

"Somebody once told me..."

 

This was his chance to remind Evan of the good times, and to convince him that things could be fixed.

 

"Evan..."

 

"N-no."

 

"C'mon..." Jared teased, "I know you remember it."

 

"N-not in f-front of Zoe and Alana!"

 

"No please do," Zoe said, moving away from the makeshift dance floor.

 

"Yes Evan, please do," Alana said agreed.

 

To Jared's surprise, Evan sighed and took his place to the left of Jared just as the chorus began.

 

"Hey now, you're an all star..."

 

All of a sudden, the boys were seven again, and there was no drama between them bigger than who got the fire truck ad who got the police car. They were just two kids, making a ridiculous dance to their favorite song from their favorite movie. Jared felt higher than the moon. He looked at Evan who was red but obviously having fun. He remembered the moves better than Jared.

 

At one point in their dance, the boys turned towards each other and mirrored each other's moves. While Jared was smiling, his eyes were locked on Evan's, trying to tell him everything he would never say aloud.

 

_I'm sorry I'm such an asshole._

_I'm sorry I talked about your anxiety that day._

_I'm sorry that I told you I hung out with you only for car insurance._

_I'm sorry._

 

Jared was pretty sure Evan didn't hear him.

 

***

 

Jared was still on a high from what just happened when Zoe led Evan upstairs. He hadn't felt that close to Evan in a long time. 

 

"You and Evan seem to be really close," Alana remarked. They were the only two left downstairs.

 

Jared shrugged. "We used to be, but not anymore."

 

"Would you want to be close again? Stop me if I'm prying."

 

"No, you're fine. Yeah, I would. He's the closest friend I've ever had. It's hard to let go of close friends, y'know?"

 

"Not really. I've never really had friends. Acquaintances, more like."

 

"Really?" 

 

"Yes. I'm not very social."

 

Jared saw an opportunity to help both himself and Alana. Now was his chance to truly not be an asshole. "Well from now on," he announces dramatically, "Zoe, Evan and I are your friends. Can't speak for Connor. And I," he extended his hand with a flourish, "volunteer as tribute to be your closest friend."

 

Alana giggled and shook Jared's hand. "Thanks, Jared. You know you're not as much of an asshole as I presumed."

 

Is that all people saw him as? Jared was much more than that. He now had a New Year's resolution. He would prove to everyone that he was more than just a goofy asshole, one person at a time. 

 

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew he would fail.

 

***

 

When Connor returned, Evan stuck by his side, and Jared didn't know why no one else had figured out they were dating. 

 

He also realized that as soon as Connor was around, he became a second choice to Evan. Evan wouldn't talk to Jared unless prompted, whereas he would start full conversations with Connor. Even when Jared and Evan were close, Evan rarely did that.

 

Connor really was making Evan better. 

 

And Jared hated him for that.

 

***

 

Evan rolled the dice, and groaned as he realized the number of spaces he had to move would land him in jail. Connor laughed and Evan shot him a look. Connor nudged Evan playfully and Evan's scowl turned into a gentle smile.

 

As Evan glanced at him, Jared made the most annoyed face he could. On the inside though, his stomach was in knots. They were so, so happy. Evan didn't need Jared anymore. 

 

He didn't need someone to occasionally hang out with. He had Connor.

 

He didn't need a family friend anymore. He had Connor.

 

He didn't need Jared anymore. He had Connor.

 

Which meant Jared was alone. Something told him Alana wasn't going to be as close a friend as he hoped. How could anyone want to be his friend, with the way he treated them?

 

Jared knew he was mean. He knew he was a dick. He just couldn't do anything about it. It was ingrained in him; when you don't know what to do, deflect. Make the situation about someone else, even if it means humiliating them. Never let them see you sweat, at all costs.

 

Jared knew he was starting to sweat.

 

***

 

Jared watched as Zoe dashed up to her room, leaving him and Alana in silence. He didn't dare look up, in fear of saying something stupid. When he finally did, he saw Alana staring at the staircase.

 

"Alana?"

 

She snapped out of her daze. "What?"

 

"Are you okay?"

 

She sighed. "I...I'm fine, I just," she hesitated. "Have you ever wanted something you know you'll probably never get?"

 

Yes. An actual friend. People who care. A functioning moral compass. "Of course not; I'm Jared Kleinman. Life's easy." Just be honest for once, you dumbass.

 

"Right," Alana chuckled, but Jared knew she didn't mean it. "I, um... I'm going to go get some air."

 

Jared's heart sank as Alana exited through the patio. He had a real chance. To connect, to show some empathy. But of course he didn't. Because he's Jared Kleinman: Resident Asshole.

 

The TV blared quietly as the countdown commenced.

 

5.

 

4.

 

3.

 

2.

 

1.

 

Jared was alone. On New Year's.

_What a surprise._


End file.
